RADIO ROMANCES

Two romantic comedies for Valentine's

Written and produced by

John F. Barber

CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/)
Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 4.0 International

Re-Imagined Radio
Season 14, Episode 02

Final draft

RADIO ROMANCES

Two madcap love stories

Re-Imagined Radio
Season 14, Episode 02, RiR #94
Final Draft

Premier broadcast: February 16, 2026

Written, Produced, Hosted by John F. Barber

Post production, original music, sound design by Marc Rose

Graphics by Holly Slocum and Evan Leyden

Social Media strategies by Caitlyn Kruger-Lesperance

Announcing and YouTube strategies by Rylan Eisenhauer

Synopsis
Re-Imagined Radio samples two award-winning, witty, sophisticated, madcap romantic comedies starring Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn, James Stewart, and Claudette Colbert to celebrate February, the month of Valentine's and Love. Both are adaptations from popular movies.

It Happened One Night is a 1934 American romantic comedy motion picture, directed by Frank Capra, starring Claudette Colbert and Clark Gable. The screenplay, by Robert Riskin was adapted from a story, "Night Bus," by Samuel Hopkins Adams. The movie follows a runaway socialite and a cynical reporter traveling by bus from Miami to New York. Its fast-paced dialogue and charm make it a foundational screwball comedy, the first of only three to win all the "Big Five" Academy Awards: Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Adapted Screenplay. The other two were One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975) and The Silence of Lambs (1991). It Happened One Night is considered one the greatest films ever made.

Adapted as a one-hour radio play for Lux Radio Theatre, with Grant and Colbert reprising their roles, March 20, 1939, and again January 28, 1940, for The Campbell Playhouse, starring Orson Welles, William Powell, and Miriam Hopkins. Re-Imagined Radio samples the Lux Radio Theatre adaptation.

Credits
Cary Grant as Peter Warne
Claudette Colbert as runaway socialite Ellie Andrews
John Gibson as Bus Driver
Chester Clute as Mr. Dyke
Eddie Waller as Mr. Dobbs
Lou Merrill as Harry Gordon
Walter Tetley as a newsboy
Marion Aye as Telephone Operator
Frank Nelson as a detective
Louis Silvers

The Philadelphia Story began as a 1939 Broadway play by Philip Barry. Katherine Hepburn starred as Tracy Lord. Joseph Cotten as Dexter Haven, Van Heflin as Mike Connor and Shirley Booth as Liz Imbrie. Hepburn again starred, with Cary Grant and James Stewart, in the 1939 adaptation for the movie screen by Donald Ogden Stewart and Waldo Salt. The movie was nominated for six Academy Awards. The March 17, 1947 radio adaptation we present here is second of two for The Screen Guild Theater, a radio anthology series 1939-1952, CBS. It is considered one of the best examples of a comedy about remarriage, in which a couple divorce, flirt with outsiders and then remarry. The genre was popular in the 1930s and 1940s when divorce was considered scandalous and the depiction of extramarital affairs was blocked by the Production Code.

Credits - The Philadelphia Story
Katherine Hepburn as Tracy Lords
Cary Grant as Dexter C.K. Haven
Jimmy Stewart as Macaulay "Mike" Conner
Walter Connolly
Roscoe Karns
Melville Ruick as Announcer
Produced and directed by Bill Lawrence
Adapted by Harry Cronman
Music arranged and conducted by Wilbur Hatch
Truman Bradley was the announcer

Color Code
Yellow highlighted text = sound effect(s), either pre-recorded or live.

text example = text that could be deleted as needed.

Magenta highlighted text with strike through = text deleted for episode timing

MUSIC = pre-recorded

MUSIC = bespoke, created for this episode

COLD OPEN
SFX: SAMPLES FROM OPENING OF "IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT"
SFX: BUS RUMBLES DOWN ROAD ... HORN HONKS
MUSIC: FOR AN INTRO ... THEN OUT
DEMILLE
A bus terminal in Miami, Florida. Passengers are milling about the ticket office, crowding around the newsstand, fighting for places at the lunch counter. In a telephone booth at the far end of the station, Peter Warne, a news reporter, has just put through a long distance call to his paper.
PETER
Hello? This the New York Globe?
OPERATOR
(FILTER) Yes, sir?
PETER
This is Peter Warne talking. I wanna speak to Harry Gordon right away.
OPERATOR
(FILTER) Who?
PETER
Gordon, Gordon! The managing editor.
OPERATOR
(FILTER) Oh, one moment please.
PETER
(TO HIMSELF) Fire me, huh? I'll show him, the big baboon...
GORDON
(FILTER) Hello?
PETER
Hello?! Gordon?!
GORDON
(FILTER) Yeah.
PETER
This is Peter Warne!
GORDON
(FILTER) Well, what of it?
PETER
Say, what's all this about my being fired?
GORDON
(FILTER) You got my wire, didn't you?
PETER
Sure, but...
GORDON
(FILTER) Well, it goes. You're through.
PETER
What for?
GORDON
(FILTER) You know what for. Go on home and sleep it off.
PETER
What?! Listen here, monkey face. I'm the best news hound your filthy scandal sheet ever had.
GORDON
(FILTER) Don't make me laugh. What were you doing last night?
PETER
None of your...! I sent you my copy!
GORDON
(FILTER) Sure. All about the bathing beauties on Miami Beach. It was lovely. Did you know that Ellie Andrews disappeared last night from her father's yacht?!
PETER
What?
GORDON
(FILTER) Ellie Andrews! She disappeared! Did you know that?!
PETER
No.
GORDON
(FILTER) Well, that's why you're fired!
SFX: GORDON HANGS UP
PETER
Hey, wait!
SFX: LINE DISCONNECTED
PETER
Hello?!
SFX: JANGLES THE HOOK
PETER
Hello?! (DISGUSTED) Oh...
SFX: SLAMS RECEIVER DOWN ... PHONE BOOTH DOOR OPENS ... BUS STATION BACKGROUND WITH CROWD NOISE
DRIVER
(ANNOUNCES) Bus waitin' for Palm Beach, Savannah, Jacksonville, Philadelphia, New York!
NEWSBOY
Here ya are! Get your newspaper! Read all about it! Wealthy heiress runs away! Here! Read all about it!
PETER
Hey, boy.
NEWSBOY
Yes, sir? You want a paper?
PETER
What's the headline?
NEWSBOY
Oh, that. That's about a society girl. Her name's Ellie Andrews, and she just run away from her old man's yacht.
PETER
Ellie Andrews, the banker's daughter, huh?
NEWSBOY
Yeah. Want a paper, mister?
PETER
What'd she run away for?
NEWSBOY
Oh, I don't know. Y'see, she wants to marry some aviator guy and her old man don't want her to? So she runs away. And then the old man, ... Hey, look, why don't you buy a paper? You can read the whole thing for three cents.
PETER
Who, me? I never read newspapers!
NEWSBOY
Well, for cryin' out...!
PETER
Here, here's a dime. Buy yourself an automobile.
NEWSBOY
Okay! Thanks, mister.
PETER
Hey, wait a minute. Where do I get the bus to New York?
NEWSBOY
Right outside the terminal.
PETER
Thanks.
NEWSBOY
Hey-o! Get your paper here! Read all about it!
THEME AND ANNOUNCER
MUSIC: RIR THEME
ANNOUNCER
Welcome to Re-Imagined Radio, a program about sound-based storytelling. With each episode we explore how dialogue, sound effects, and music can engage your listening imagination and promote storytelling. Here to tell you about THIS episode is John Barber, producer and host.
HOST OPEN
HOST
Hello everyone. Welcome to Re-Imagined Radio. This episode, number 94, is called "Radio Romances" and features two romantic comedies for February and Valentine's Day.
We begin with It Happened One Night, the March 20, 1939, episode of Lux Radio Theatre.
The episode adapts the 1934 motion picture of the same title, winner of five Academy Awards, starring Cary Grant and Claudette Colbert, directed by Frank Capra.
This madcap romantic comedy follows a runaway socialite and a cynical reporter on a bus trip from Miami to New York, after their meet cute.
Grant and Colbert reprise their roles as smooth-talking reporter Peter Warne, and runaway socialite Ellie Andrews. It's good fun.
For more information, and the episode script, visit our website, reimaginedradio dot fm.
Our cold open introduced "It Happened One Night," starring Cary Grant and Claudette Colbert. Let's continue listening.
ACT #1: IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT
PETER
Hey, driver, does this bus go to New York?
DRIVER
There's a sign on the front. Can't you read?
PETER
Sorry, but I never got past the fourth grade. Where do I sit?
DRIVER
That don't worry me any.
PETER
Okay. If you'll be good enough to move this pile of newspapers, I'll take this seat here.
DRIVER
Move 'em yourself.
PETER
Fine.
SFX: NEWSPAPERS PICKED UP AND THROWN AWAY
DRIVER
Hey, hey, wait a minute. What do you think you're doing?
PETER
Huh?
DRIVER
The papers, the papers! What's the idea o' throwin' them out?
PETER
Oh, oh, the papers. You know, it's a long story my friend. I never did like the idea of sitting on newspapers. I did it once and all the headlines came off on my white trousers.
DRIVER
You...
PETER
No, on the level, it actually happened. Nobody bought a newspaper that day. They just followed me around and read the news off the seat of my pants.
DRIVER
Ah, fresh guy, huh? What you need's a good sock on the nose.
PETER
Listen, partner. You may not like my nose but I do. I always wear it out in the open where, if anybody wants to take a sock at it, they can do it.
DRIVER
Oh, yeah?
PETER
Now, that's a brilliant answer. Why didn't I think of it? Our conversation could've been over long ago.
DRIVER
Oh, yeah?
PETER
If you keep that up, we're not going to get anywhere!
DRIVER
Oh, yeah?
PETER
(GIVES UP) Ya got me.
ELLIE
Pardon me, I want to get by.
PETER
Yeah, come on through, this is liable to last all night.
ELLIE
Oh, don't mind me. Thank you.
PETER
Hey, wait, you can't sit there, that's my seat.
ELLIE
I beg your pardon?
PETER
Listen, I'm putting up a stiff battle for that seat, so if it's just the same to you ... scram!
ELLIE
Driver, are these seats reserved?
DRIVER
Nah. First come, first served.
ELLIE
Thank you.
PETER
Wait a minute, driver. These seats accommodate two people, don't they?
DRIVER
Well, maybe they do and maybe they don't.
PETER
Thanks. Move over, sister.
ELLIE
Ow!
PETER
This is a "maybe they do."
ELLIE
Well!
PETER
There. Ya comfortable?
ELLIE
Oh, yes, very.
PETER
That's good. There's nothing like being comfortable when you have two thousand miles to... Say, haven't I seen you some place before?
ELLIE
I'm afraid not.
PETER
Funny, but I think I have. You ever had your picture in a newspaper?
ELLIE
Never.
PETER
Not even on the society page? (NO ANSWER) Oh, well, my mistake. But I could have almost sworn I've seen you before.
ELLIE
Really? Perhaps it was at the livestock show in Chattanooga. I often go there with my old maid aunt from the country. We're simply mad about the merry-go-round.
DRIVER
Board!
SFX: BUS ENGINE STARTS UP .... BUS RUMBLES DOWN THE ROAD
MUSIC: TRANSITION ... A LITTLE TRAVELING MUSIC ... THEN OUT
ELLIE
(YAWNS) Oh. Oh, I'm terribly sorry!
PETER
Oh, that's all right. You have a good sleep?
ELLIE
Oh, fine, thank you. (SURPRISED) Well ... well, everybody's gone! Where are we?
PETER
Jacksonville. We just got in.
ELLIE
Oh. Oh, it was foolish of me to fall asleep on your shoulder like that. Why didn't you push me away?
PETER
I hated to wake you up. You look kind of pretty asleep. How about some breakfast?
ELLIE
Oh, no. Oh, no, thank you. I ... I never eat on a bus.
PETER
You mean you've never traveled on a bus.
ELLIE
I beg your pardon?
PETER
Let it go. But you ought to eat something. You gotta watch out for your health, you know.
ELLIE
Thank you, I can take care of myself. Excuse me, please, uh, I'm getting out.
PETER
Sit down. I want to talk to you.
ELLIE
Oh, do you?
PETER
You'll never get away with it, Miss Andrews.
ELLIE
What are you talking about?
PETER
I said you'd never get away with it. Your father'll stop you before you get halfway to New York.
ELLIE
You ... you must have me confused with someone else.
PETER
Quit kidding, it's all over the front page. You know, I've always been curious to know what kind of a girl would want to marry a front page aviator like King Westley. Take my advice and grab the next bus back to Miami. That guy's a phony.
ELLIE
I didn't ask for your advice.
PETER
No, that's right, you didn't. Well, I guess I'll step out and send a telegram.
ELLIE
No, wait! You ... you're not going to notify my father, are you?
PETER
What for?
ELLIE
You could probably get some money out of him.
PETER
I never thought of that.
ELLIE
Now, listen. If you'll promise not to do it, I'll pay you. I'll pay you as much as he will. You won't gain anything by giving me away as long as I'm willing to make it worth your while. And I will! Just as soon as I can get to New York, I'll pay you.
PETER
Cut it.
ELLIE
What?
PETER
I said cut it. You know, I had you pegged right from the start. You're the spoiled brat of a rich father. The only way you can get anything is to buy it. Now you're in a jam and all you think of is your money. It never fails, does it?
ELLIE
But I ...
PETER
Ya ever hear of the word "humility"? No, you wouldn't. I guess it never occurred to you to just say, "Please, mister, I'm in trouble. Will you help me?" No, that'd bring you down off your high horse for a minute. Well, let me tell you something, maybe it'll take a load off your mind. You don't have to worry about me. I'm not interested in your money or your problems. You, King Westley, your father ... you're all a lot o' hooey to me. So long, Miss Andrews.
MUSIC: BRIDGE
SFX: BUS RUMBLES DOWN ROAD ... CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
SHAPELEY
(FADES IN) Hiya, sister! All alone? I'll keep you company.
ELLIE
I'm sorry, you can't sit here. This seat's taken.
SHAPELEY
My name's Shapeley. Might as well get acquainted, it's gonna be a long trip. Gets lonesome later on, especially for somebody like you. You look like you've got class. Yes, sir, with a capital K. And believe me, I'm the guy that knows class when I see it, believe you me. Ask any of the boys, they'll tell ya. Shapeley sure knows how to pick 'em. Yes, sir, Shapeley's the name and shapely's the way I like 'em. Say, what's the matter, sister? You ain't sayin' much.
ELLIE
It seems to me you're doing excellently without my assistance.
SHAPELEY
Ha-ha-ha! That's pretty good. "It seems to me you're doing excellently without my assistance." Well, shut my big nasty mouth. Looks like you're one up on me. Now, say, look. You know, there's nothing I like better in this entire world than to meet a [high-class] mama that can snap 'em back at ya. Yes sir, you're just my type. Believe you me, sister, I could go for you in a big way. "Fun-on-the-side" Shapeley they call me and the accent's on the fun. Believe you me!
ELLIE
Believe you me! You bore me to distraction.
SHAPELEY
Ha! Looks like you're two up on me now!
PETER
Hey, you.
SHAPELEY
Huh?
PETER
There's a seat over there for you.
SHAPELEY
What's the idea?
PETER
I'd like to sit next to my wife, if you don't mind.
SHAPELEY
Your ... your wife?
PETER
Yeah. Come on, come on.
SHAPELEY
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. (MOVING OFF) Excuse me. I was just tryin' to make things comfortable... I didn't know it was your wife. You understand what I mean, don't you? 
ELLIE
(RELIEVED SIGH) If you'll promise not to snap my head off, I'd like to thank you.
PETER
Forget it. I didn't do it for you. His voice was getting on my nerves. Hey, your clothes are soaking wet! Did you get caught in that shower back at the last stop?
ELLIE
Yes. It was a cool shower, too.
PETER
Here. Take my coat and put it around you.
ELLIE
Oh, no, no.
PETER
Sure, go ahead. You're as helpless as a baby.
ELLIE
Thank you.
PETER
How'd you happen to get caught in it anyhow?
SFX: THUNDER
ELLIE
Well, those things do happen, don't they? I ... I just ran into the terminal to buy a box of candy and ...
PETER
Candy? Are you crazy?
ELLIE
What do you mean?
PETER
Let me see your purse.
ELLIE
Oh, please! Now, give me my purse!
PETER
Hmm! Just as I thought. One dollar and sixty cents. How do you expect to get to New York if you waste your money on candy?
ELLIE
That's none of your business.
PETER
You're on a budget from now on. Here's your purse, I'll keep the money.
ELLIE
Now, just a minute! Just...
PETER
Shut up. From now on, I'm the boss.
SFX: BUS SLOWS TO A STOP ... PASSENGERS BUZZ ("HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?" "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" "WHAT ARE WE STOPPIN' HERE FOR?") ... CONTINUES IN BG
PETER
Hey, driver, what's the matter?
DRIVER
There's a sign there says the bridge at Dawson's been washed out. We might as well put up here for the night.
ELLIE
But where are we?
DRIVER
Dyke's Auto Camp. They got cabins here.
PETER
No chance of getting through, huh?
DRIVER
Not tonight.
PETER
That's enough for me. Come on, brat.
ELLIE
Are you talking to me?
PETER
Yeah. We're stopping here for the night. (MOVING OFF) Come on, let's go.
SFX: PASSENGER BUZZ FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... THUNDER ... RAIN, WHICH CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
DYKE
Here's your cabin, Mr. Warne.
PETER
This one here?
DYKE
Yes, sir.
SFX: CABIN DOOR OPENS
PETER
(CALLS) Come on, kid! This is it!
ELLIE
(FADES IN) Oh! Oh, I'm dripping!
DYKE
Well, good night. I hope you and your husband rest comfortably, Mrs. Warne.
ELLIE
Mrs. Wa...? Oh, yes, thank you.
PETER
Well, go on in. What are you going to do, stay out here in the rain all night?
SFX: CABIN DOOR CLOSED AND LOCKED
ELLIE
Mm hm! Darn clever, these Armenians.
PETER
Yeah. It's a gift.
ELLIE
I just had the unpleasant sensation of hearing you referred to as my husband.
PETER
Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot to tell you about that. I registered as "Mr. and Mrs."
ELLIE
Oh, you did? You know, compared to you, my friend Shapeley's an amateur. Just what ever gave you the idea I'd stand for this?
PETER
Hey, now wait a minute. Let's get this straightened out right now. If you're nursing any silly notion that I'm interested in you, forget it! You're just a headline to me.
ELLIE
A headline? You're not a newspaperman, are you?
PETER
Chalk one up for your side. Now, listen. You want to get to your fiancé King Westley in New York, don't you? All right, I'm here to help you. What I want is your story. Exclusive. A day-to-day account, all about your mad flight to happiness. I need that story. Just between you and me, I've got to have it!
ELLIE
(CHUCKLES) Isn't that just too cute? There's brain behind that face of yours, isn't there? You've got everything nicely figured out for yourself. Even including this.
PETER
This? Oh, oh, you mean the "Mr. and Mrs." business. Well, that's a matter of simple mathematics. These cabins cost two bucks a night. And I'm sorry to inform you, wifey dear, that the family purse won't stand for our having separate establishments. Understand?
ELLIE
Yes, I guess so.
PETER
Smart girl. And now we come to the problem of retiring for the night. Uh, which of these, uh, beds do you prefer?
ELLIE
(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Mm.
PETER
That one? Take it.
ELLIE
Thanks. Now that the popularity contest is over, what happens next?
PETER
Oh, simple. Uh, give me that clothesline over there.
SFX: CLOTHESLINE TOSSED
PETER
Thank you. Now, we tie up one end of it here on the wall, like this. (BEAT) Pretty knot, don't you think?
ELLIE
About average.
PETER
(OFF) The other end goes over this nail. And we tie it [up] on the opposite wall. So. (MOVING IN) That makes a clothesline extending from wall A to wall B and passing exactly between beds X and Y. Then we take the blanket ... G ... and place it over the clothesline ... AB ... so that you, in bed X, will not be troubled with the disturbing sight of me ... in bed Y. Eh, do you follow me?
ELLIE
I suppose that makes everything all right.
PETER
I hope it does. I like privacy when I retire. Hence, the walls of Jericho! Maybe not as thick as the ones that Joshua blew down with his trumpet ... but it's a lot safer. You see, I have no trumpet.
ELLIE
Well, now that is a relief.
PETER
And to show you my heart's in the right place, I'll give you my best pair of pajamas. Here.
SFX: PAJAMAS TOSSED
ELLIE
Thanks.
PETER
(UNDRESSING) Now. (CLEARS THROAT) Do you mind joining the Israelites on the other side of our wall?
ELLIE
(EMBARRASSED) I ... I think it might be better. Excuse me.
PETER
Yeah. That's the stuff, brat. And don't be worried. The walls of Jericho will protect you.
ELLIE
Would you mind putting out that light?
PETER
No, not at all.
SFX: SWITCH CLICKS
PETER
Turning in?
ELLIE
Mm hm.
PETER
(PAUSE, CLEARS THROAT, EMBARRASSED) Say, uh ... Would you mind, uh, taking those things of yours off the walls of Jericho?
ELLIE
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. How's that?
PETER
Uh, better. (PAUSE) Nice, isn't it? Lying here and listening to the rain.
ELLIE
By the way. What's your name?
PETER
What's that?
ELLIE
Who are you?
PETER
Me? Oh, I'm the whippoorwill that cries in the night. I'm the soft morning breeze that caresses your lovely face. I'm the ...
ELLIE
You've got a name, haven't you?
PETER
Yeah, I got a name. Peter Warne.
ELLIE
Peter Warne? I don't like it.
PETER
Well, don't let it bother you. You're giving it back to me in the morning.
ELLIE
(CHUCKLES) Pleased to meet you, Mr. Warne.
PETER
The pleasure's all mine ... Mrs. Warne.
ELLIE
Good night.
PETER
Good night.
MUSIC: TOPS THE RAIN ... FADE OUT UNDER THE FOLLOWING
SFX: CLINK OF DISHES, UTENSILS ... CABIN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
ELLIE
(CHEERY) Hello!
PETER
Morning, wifey. About time you got back.
ELLIE
Oh, I met some very interesting women at the showers; we got to chatting about this and that; you know how time flies.
PETER
Mm hm. Come on, come on, come on, sit down. Breakfast's all ready.
ELLIE
Oh, how nice! Scrambled eggs!
PETER
(CORRECTS HER) Egg! One egg, one doughnut, black coffee. That's your ration until lunch. Any complaints?
ELLIE
Nope. No complaints.
PETER
That's nice, for a change. Er, doughnut?
ELLIE
Thanks. Mm. You think this whole business is silly, don't you? I mean, running away and everything.
PETER
Oh, no, no. It's too good a story.
ELLIE
Yes, you do. You think I'm a fool and a spoiled brat. Well, perhaps I am, although I don't see how I can be. People who are spoiled are accustomed to having their their own way. I never have! I've always been told what to do and how to do it and where and with whom. Nurses, governesses, chaperones ... even bodyguards! (IRONIC) Oh, it's been a lot of fun.
PETER
One consolation ... you can never be lonesome.
ELLIE
Mmm, it had its moments. It got to be a sort of a game to try and outwit father's detectives. I did once ... actually, actually went shopping without a bodyguard. It was swell, I felt absolutely immoral. But it didn't last long. They caught up with me in a department store. I was so mad, I ran out the back way and jumped into the first car I saw. Guess who was in it?
PETER
Santa Claus.
ELLIE
King Westley was in it.
PETER
(WITH DISGUST) Oh, for... Is that how you met him?
ELLIE
Mm hm. We rode around all afternoon. Father was frantic. By six o'clock, he was having all the rivers dragged.
PETER
I can see it. (DISAPPROVING) Say. Where did you learn to dunk? In finishing school?
ELLIE
Aw, now don't you start telling me I shouldn't dunk!
PETER
Of course you shouldn't! You don't know how to do it! Dunking's an art! Don't let it soak so long! A dip, and ... plop ... into your mouth. If you let it soak so long, it'll get soft and fall off. It's all a matter of timing. I ought to write a book on it.
ELLIE
(AMUSED) Thanks, professor.
PETER
Just goes to show you. Twenty millions and you don't know how to dunk.
SFX: VOICES, OFF
ELLIE
I'd change places with a plumber's daughter any day.
PETER
Shhh! Sh! Sh!
ELLIE
What's the matter?
PETER
(WHISPERS) Shut up. Somebody's outside.
DYKE
(FROM OUTSIDE) Now, just a minute. Now... Well, how do I know who you are? [I never saw you before.] You can't go around bothering my tenants. Besides, how do I know you're a detective?
DETECTIVE
(FROM OUTSIDE) Oh, show 'em your credentials, Mac.
PETER
(WHISPERS) Detectives!
ELLIE
(WHISPERS) Oh, that's father at work. Peter, what'll I do? Maybe I can jump out of the window. They ... they wouldn't see me.
PETER
(WHISPERS) Sh! Sh! Sh! Come here, come here, come here. Get yourself all mussed up.
ELLIE
(WHISPERS) What?
PETER
(WHISPERS) Here, here. Push your hair down over your eyes.
ELLIE
(WHISPERS) Oh.
PETER
(WHISPERS) Yeah, yeah, that's it. (LOUD) Yeah, yeah, I got a letter from Aunt Bella last week! She says if we don't stop over at Wilkesbury, she'll never forgive us!
ELLIE
(WHISPERS) What are you talking about?
PETER
(WHISPERS) What's the difference? Say something!
ELLIE
(WHISPERS) Oh!
PETER
(LOUD) I guess I'll write to Aunt Bella today!
ELLIE
(LOUD, BAD SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yes, I would if I was you! Letters are always cheerin' to invalids!
SFX: CABIN DOOR OPENS
PETER
Yeah! Yeah, she says she's got [the] hay fever again!
ELLIE
Ya don't say!
DETECTIVE
(CLEARS THROAT) Excuse me.
ELLIE
Oh, look! A man, darlin'!
DETECTIVE
I want to see you, miss. What's your name?
ELLIE
Are you addressing me?
DETECTIVE
Yeah! What's your name?
PETER
Hey, wait a minute! That's my wife you're talkin' to. What do you want anyway?
DETECTIVE
We're lookin' for somebody.
PETER
Yeah? Well, look your head off! Only don't come bustin' in here. This ain't a public park. I got a notion to take a sock at you!
DETECTIVE
Now, take it easy, son, take it easy.
DYKE
Uh, they're detectives, Mr. Warne.
PETER
I don't care if they're the whole police department! They can't come bustin' in here and shootin' questions at my wife!
ELLIE
Now, don't get so excited, Peter! They just asked a civil question!
PETER
Oh, is that so? Say, how many times do I have to tell you to stop buttin' in when I'm havin' an argument?
ELLIE
Oh! You don't have to lose your temper!
DETECTIVE
Now, just a minute...
PETER
(MIMICS) "You don't have to lose your temper!" That's what you said the other time, too! Every time I trying to protect ya!
ELLIE
(TEARFUL) Oh, now, keep quiet!
PETER
I won't keep quiet!
DETECTIVE
Now, listen, you two...
PETER
You're just like your old man! Once a plumber's daughter, always a plumber's daughter! There ain't an ounce of brains in your whole family!
ELLIE
Aw, Peter Warne, you've gone far enough! I won't stand here and be insulted like this!
PETER
Oh, shut up! Shut up!
ELLIE
Noooo! (STARTS CRYING, CONTINUES WAILING IN BG)
DYKE
(TO DETECTIVE) Now, you see what you've done? You've disturbed my guests.
PETER
Yeah, what do you mean by it anyway?
DETECTIVE
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Warne, but, you see, we got to check up on everyone. We're looking for a girl by the name o' Ellen Andrews, daughter of the Wall Street king.
PETER
Yeah? Well, it's too bad you're not looking for the daughter of a plumber!
ELLIE
(WAILS EVEN LOUDER)
PETER
(VERY LOUD) Quit bawlin'! Quit bawlin'!
DETECTIVE
I'm sorry, folks. My mistake.
DYKE
(MOVING OFF) Well, there, now. Didn't I tell you they was a perfectly nice married couple?
DETECTIVE
(MOVING OFF) Well, how would I know...?
SFX: CABIN DOOR SHUTS
ELLIE
(ABRUPTLY STOPS CRYING) Are they gone? ...
PETER
Yeah. Yeah, they're gone.
SFX: PAUSE ... THEN PETER AND ELLEN CRACK UP WITH LAUGHTER
MUSIC: BRIDGE
SFX: BUS RUMBLES DOWN ROAD ... CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
ELLIE
Peter?
PETER
Hm?
ELLIE
Peter, wake up!
PETER
Hm? What do you want? Can't you see I'm tryin' to get some sleep?
ELLIE
Shapeley's back with us. Did you know that?
PETER
Sure. What about it?
ELLIE
Look at him. He's got one of those newspapers with my picture in it. He... Oh, Peter, I'm afraid.
PETER
What are you afraid of? Haven't ya still got me with ya? Where did Shapeley get that paper?
ELLIE
We stopped a few miles back while you were sleeping. He must have got it there.
PETER
Well, it's too late to do anything now.
ELLIE
He's looking at me again. Oh, Peter, do you think he's recognizes me?
PETER
We'll find out soon enough.
ELLIE
But what'll we do?
PETER
Wait till the next stop. I'll get him into a conversation outside and if he suspects anything... Well, we'll see.
SFX: BUS RUMBLES DOWN ROAD FOR A MOMENT, THEN FADES OUT ... TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... FADE IN ON CRICKETS CHIRPING ... CONTINUES IN BG
PETER
Hello, Mr. Shapeley.
SHAPELEY
Hello. Nice to get out and stretch your legs, ain't it?
PETER
Yeah, it sure is. I see you got a paper there.
SHAPELEY
That's right. Maybe you'd like to take a look at it.
PETER
Yeah. Don't mind if I do. Hmmm.
SHAPELEY
Hold it here in the headlights and you can read it while you're waitin'. Travelin' like this, you sort of lose track of what's going on in the world. Now, take that story there, for instance, about that Ellie Andrews. If I was to see that dame, you know what I'd do?
PETER
No. What?
SHAPELEY
I'd go fifty-fifty with you.
PETER
Why?
SHAPELEY
Well, because I don't believe in hogging it all, see? A bird that figures that way, always ends up behind the eight ball, is what I always say.
PETER
(PAUSE) What's on your mind?
SHAPELEY
Five Gs or I crab the works.
PETER
Five Gs, huh?
SHAPELEY
You heard me.
PETER
Yeah. You know it's a lucky thing, my running into you. You're just the man I need.
SHAPELEY
You made no mistake, believe you me!
PETER
You pack a gat?
SHAPELEY
Huh?
PETER
A gat, a gat. A rod. Got any fireworks on ya?
SHAPELEY
Why, no, I...
PETER
Well, it's all right anyway. I got a couple of machines guns in my suitcase. I'll let you have one of 'em. May have a little trouble up north. May have to shoot it out with the cops.
SHAPELEY
Huh?
PETER
If you come through all right, these five Gs are as good as in the bag.
SHAPELEY
Yeah, yeah, but, uh...
PETER
Course, I'll have to talk with the Killer; see that he takes care of you.
SHAPELEY
The ... the Killer?
PETER
Yeah, yeah, the big boy. The boss of the outfit.
SHAPELEY
(STAMMERS) Say, you're ... you're not kidnapping her, are you?
PETER
What else, stupid? Say, you don't think we're after that penny ante reward, do you? Ten thousand bucks? (WITH DISGUST) Chicken feed.
SHAPELEY
Yeah, well, pardon me, mister, I guess I don't want that money after all.
PETER
Hey, listen, you're in on this thing and you're stayin' in, get me? You know too much.
SHAPELEY
(STAMMERS) Yeah, but ... but ... I won't say anything. Honest, I won't.
PETER
How do I know that?
SHAPELEY
(BURBLES)
PETER
I gotta good notion to plug you right now.
SHAPELEY
No, no, no. You can trust me, mister. (STAMMERS) I won't talk, I won't say anything, my wife and my kids... I...
PETER
What's your name?
SHAPELEY
My name? It's Oscar Shapeley.
PETER
Where do you live?
SHAPELEY
Orange, New Jersey.
PETER
Got a couple o' kids, huh?
SHAPELEY
Yes, sir. Yeah, they're just babies. A little golden-haired girl...
PETER
You ever heard of Bugs Dooley?
SHAPELEY
(STAMMERS) Bugs Dooley?
PETER
Yes, yes. He was a nice guy, just like you. But he made a mistake one day ... got a little too talkative. You know what happened to his kids?
SHAPELEY
(HOARSE) No.
PETER
Well, I can't tell ya. But when Bugs heard about it, he blew his brains out.
SHAPELEY
(WHIMPERS) Oh, gee, that's terrible!
PETER
Yeah. Now, beat it!
SHAPELEY
(RELIEVED) Thanks, mister. Can I go back now?
PETER
To the bus?! Say, what do you think I am? Crazy? You're walkin', see?
SHAPELEY
Oh. Yes, sir.
PETER
Come on, come on! Scram!
SHAPELEY
Sure, sure. Anything you say, mister. You ain't gonna shoot me in the back, are ya?
PETER
If you don't beat it...!
SHAPELEY
I'll go, I'll go!
PETER
Come on, come on, get goin'!
SFX: SHAPELEY'S HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY ... SLIGHT PAUSE
DRIVER
All right, folks! All aboard!
PETER
Hey, wait a minute, driver.
DRIVER
Come on, get in.
PETER
Never mind. We're gettin' off here. Me and the young lady.
DRIVER
What's that?
PETER
Come on, brat.
ELLIE
Well, what's the matter?
PETER
Come on, come on, don't ask so many questions. Here, here, give me your hand.
DRIVER
Got your suitcase?
PETER
Yeah, thanks.
SFX: BUS DOOR CLOSES ... BUS ENGINE ROARS ... BUS RUMBLES OFF DOWN THE ROAD, LEAVING ONLY THE CRICKETS CHIRPING IN BACKGROUND
ELLIE
Well. Now that we're stranded in the middle of a country road in the dead of night, maybe you'd let me in on the big secret. What's the idea?
PETER
The idea? We're going to take a little walk, brat. Mr. Shapeley may shoot off his mouth after all.
ELLIE
Where are we going to walk to?
PETER
The next town, wherever that is. Come on. Pick 'em up and lay 'em down. We've got a long way to go.
MUSIC: BRIDGE
SFX: CHIRPING CRICKETS, AND AN OCCASIONAL BARKING DOG OR HOOTING OWL, IN BACKGROUND.
ELLIE
Oh, how long does this cross country hike keep up? My feet are killing me!
PETER
Stop here if you want.
ELLIE
Here? Where are we?
PETER
Virginia.
ELLIE
Well, yes, I know. But where?
PETER
Oh, I can't say for sure right now but from the looks of that hay rick I guess we're on somebody's farm.
ELLIE
Where's the farm house?
PETER
What difference does that make?
ELLIE
You don't mean we're...? Now, you don't mean we're going to sleep out here in the open, do you?
PETER
I don't know about you but I'm going to give a fairly good imitation of it.
ELLIE
(DISAPPOINTED SIGH) Peter?
PETER
What?
ELLIE
I'm awfully hungry.
PETER
Aw, that's just your imagination!
ELLIE
No, it isn't! I'm hungry and scared.
PETER
Ya can't be hungry and scared both at the same time!
ELLIE
Well, I am!
PETER
If you're scared, it scares the hunger out of ya!
ELLIE
Not if you're more hungry than scared.
PETER
All right, all right. You win. Now, let's forget about it.
ELLIE
I can't! I'm hungry.
PETER
Holy smokes! Why did I ever get mixed up with you? If I had any sense, I'd be in New York by this time.
ELLIE
What about your big story?
PETER
Taking a dame back to her fiancé! I turned out to be a prize sucker, all right.
SFX: FLUFFING HAY
PETER
Here, here, your bed's all ready, come on.
ELLIE
You mean I'm supposed to sleep on that hay?
PETER
That's the idea.
ELLIE
(UNCOMFORTABLE) Oh. Oh, it's all crackly.
PETER
Oh, shut up and go to sleep! I'm sick and tired of listening to a lot of complaints.
ELLIE
Oh! You know, you're becoming awfully disagreeable lately. You just snap my head off every time I open my mouth! If being with me is so distasteful to you, you can leave. You can leave any time you see fit. Nobody's holding you here. I can get along. I can get along very nicely without you. (NO RESPONSE) Peter, are you listening? I said I can get along very ni... Oh! Peter? (NERVOUS) Peter?! Peter, where are you?! (TEARFUL) Peter! Oh, Peter!
PETER
(FADES IN) What's the matter with ya? Hey, hey, what are you yelling about?
ELLIE
(CALMS DOWN, RELIEVED) Oh, Pete! Oh! Oh, I was so worried!
PETER
What got into ya? I was only gone a minute. I went to try to find you something to eat.
ELLIE
I know, but...
PETER
Well, here. Here's a watermelon. I swiped it in the next field.
ELLIE
Huh. I don't want it now.
PETER
I thought you said you were hungry!
ELLIE
I was! But...
PETER
But what?
ELLIE
But I was so scared it scared the hunger right out of me.
PETER
Holy jumpin' catfish! You'd drive a guy crazy!
ELLIE
I guess...
PETER
Shut up.
ELLIE
I was only going to say, I guess you're right.
PETER
You're darn tootin' I'm right. Now go to sleep and forget about everything.
ELLIE
Yes, Peter. (PAUSE) Peter?
PETER
What?
ELLIE
What are you thinking about?
PETER
By a strange coincidence, I was thinking of you.
ELLIE
(PLEASED) Really?
PETER
Yeah. I was wondering what makes dames like you so dizzy.
ELLIE
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.
MUSIC: BRIDGE
SFX: PETER AND ELLIE'S FOOTSTEPS ON DIRT ROAD
PETER
(HAPPY) Oh, what a morning. Look at the sun! Look at those fields!
ELLIE
(UNHAPPY) Yes, look at my shoes. By the way, what did you say we were supposed to be doing?
PETER
Hitchhiking!
ELLIE
Oh. Well, you've giving me a very good example of the hiking. Where does the hitching come in?
PETER
A little early yet. No cars out.
ELLIE
Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm going to sit right down here and wait until they come.
PETER
Suit yourself.
ELLIE
I intend to. Oh, now, Peter, suppose nobody stops for us?
PETER
(LAUGHS) They'll stop all right. It's all a matter of knowing how to hail 'em.
ELLIE
You're an expert, I suppose?
PETER
I'm going to write a book about it! Call it "The Hitchhiker's Hail."
ELLIE
There's no end to your accomplishments, is there?
PETER
Oh, you think it's simple, huh?
ELLIE
No, no, no.
PETER
Well, it is. It's all in the old thumb, see? Now, here. Some people do it like this, kind of a half wave and half point with the thumb drooping across the palm. It's all wrong. Too indefinite. Never get any place.
ELLIE
Oh, the poor thing.
PETER
Yeah. Yeah, but this old thumb never fails. Now, now, take Number One, for instance. Elbow close to the side, thumb rigid and parallel to the right shoulder. Then a short jerky movement, just the hand and wrist. Like this. ... Shows independence. You don't care whether they stop or not. Ya got money in your pocket, see?
ELLIE
Clever.
PETER
Yeah. Yeah, but Number Two, that's a little wider movement from the elbow ... the thumb describing a graceful arc from shoulder to waistline. A smile goes with it, like this. ... That, uh, means ya got a brand new story about the...
ELLIE
Uh huh. You figured that all out by yourself, huh?
PETER
Ah, that's nothing. Number Three, that's a pip. Yeah, that's the pitiful one. You know, when you're broke and hungry and everything looks black.
ELLIE
Oh, is that so?
PETER
Yeah, yeah. Shoulders saggy, mouth down, chin drooping. It's a long sweeping movement of the whole arm. Like this. ... Ya gotta follow through, though.
ELLIE
Oh! It's amazing!
PETER
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's no good if you haven't got a long face to go with it.
SFX: CAR APPROACHES
ELLIE
Oh, here, here comes a car!
PETER
Yeah. Okay, okay. Now, watch me. I'm gonna use Number One! Keep your eye on that thumb, baby, and watch what happens.
ELLIE
Mm.
SFX: CAR PASSES
ELLIE
Mm hm. I've still got my eye on the thumb!
SFX: CAR APPROACHES
PETER
Something must have gone wrong. I'll try Number Two this time! I...
SFX: CAR PASSES
DRIVER
(CALLS) Hey! You!
ELLIE
Maybe he doesn't appreciate genius.
SFX: CAR APPROACHES
PETER
Well, let's try this baby. Maybe Number Two won't work in the South.
DRIVER
(CALLS) Goin' up, mister?!
SFX: CAR PASSES
PETER
(CALLS) Hey! (TO ELLIE) I'll try Number Three on the next one!
ELLIE
When you get to a hundred, wake me up, will you?
SFX: CAR APPROACHES AND PASSES
PETER
(DISHEARTENED) I don't think I'll write that book after all.
ELLIE
(LAUGHS) Oh, now. Think of all the fun you had. Do you mind if I try the next one?
PETER
You? Ho ho! Don't make me laugh!
ELLIE
Aw, you're such a smart aleck. Nobody knows anything but you. Look, I'll stop this car and I won't use my thumb!
PETER
What are you going to do?
SFX: ANCIENT CAR APPROACHES, VERY SLOWLY, PUTTERING DOWN ROAD
ELLIE
It's a system all my own. Left hand gracefully on left hip, head back and inclined gently in the direction of travel, eyes twinkling. It's the twinkle that does it. Step aside, please. (CALLS, INVITINGLY) Oh, yoo-hoooo!
SFX: CAR FINALLY ARRIVES AND SCREECHES TO STOP ... ENGINE IDLES, IN BG
BAKER
Hello, sister! You goin' my way?
ELLIE
(TRIUMPHANT) Yes! Thank you very much!
BAKER
Well, hop right in. My name is Baker.
ELLIE
Oh, so sweet of you, Mr. Baker. I... Would you mind if this gentleman rode with us, too?
BAKER
Who? Him?
PETER
Yeah, me. I'm...
BAKER
Well, I don't like his looks any too much, sister.
ELLIE
Oh, that's all right. He ... he's my uncle. He can't help looking like that. He used to be a newspaper man.
BAKER
Oh. Well, all right. Get in the back.
PETER
Thanks.
SFX: CAR DOOR SHUTS ... CAR PUTTERS DOWN THE ROAD ... CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
ELLIE
(QUIETLY) As I was saying ... it's a system all my own.
PETER
(QUIETLY) Oh, yeah?
ELLIE
(QUIETLY) Mm hm. I think I'll write a book, too ... let's see ... called, "The Feminine Touch" or "Go Thither with a Come Hither." (GIGGLES)
PETER
(QUIETLY) Oh, shut up.
ELLIE
(LAUGHS)
MUSIC: BRIDGE
DOBBS
So you want a cabin for a week, huh?
PETER
That's right.
DOBBS
That'll be eight seventy-five. Pay in advance.
PETER
Now, listen, mister, I don't want to talk business right now. We're tired. I'll settle up with you in the morning.
DOBBS
Well, all right. (MOVING OFF) Good night.
PETER
Good night! Come on, brat.
ELLIE
(QUIETLY) What'll you tell him in the morning?
PETER
(QUIETLY) I'll think of that then.
SFX: CABIN DOOR OPENS
PETER
(SIGHS WEARILY)
SFX: CABIN DOOR CLOSES
PETER
Here, let's have that blanket.
ELLIE
Here it is.
PETER
If I build the Walls of Jericho once more, I can qualify as an engineer.
ELLIE
Oh, I'm glad I can lie down for a change.
PETER
Yeah, me, too. Well, we're on our last lap. Tomorrow morning, if all goes well, you'll be in the arms of your fiancé ... the dope.
ELLIE
Mm hm. You'll have a great story, won't you?
PETER
Yeah. Swell.
ELLIE
Thanks.
PETER
Well, you certainly outsmarted your father. I guess you ought to be happy.
ELLIE
Am I going to see you in New York?
PETER
Nope.
ELLIE
Why not?
PETER
I don't make it a policy to run around with married woman.
ELLIE
Won't I ever see you again?
PETER
What do you want to see me for? I've served my purpose. I brought you back to King Westley, didn't I? That's what you wanted, wasn't it?
MUSIC: SNEAKS IN ... ROMANTIC
ELLIE
Peter, have you ever been in love?
PETER
Me?
ELLIE
Yes. Have you ever thought about it at all? It seems to me you could make some girl wonderfully happy.
PETER
Sure. I've thought about it. Yeah, who hasn't? If I could ever meet the right sort of a girl... Yeah, but where're you gonna find her? Somebody that's real. Somebody that's alive. They don't come that way any more. You know, I saw an island in the Pacific once, never been able to forget it. That's where I'd like to take her. She'd have to be the sort of a girl who'd jump in the surf with me and love it as much as I did. You know, nights when you and the moon and the water all become one. And you feel you're a part of something big and marvelous. Those are the only places to live. Where the stars are so close over your head that you feel you can reach up and stir them around. Sure, I've been thinking of it. Boy, if I could only find the girl who was hungry for those things.
ELLIE
(GENUINE) Oh, Peter. Take me with you, Peter. Take me to your island, I want to do all these things you talked about!
PETER
You? You're crazy.
ELLIE
No, I'm not. I love you. Nothing else matters. We can run away; everything will take care of itself. Please, Peter. I can't let you out of my life now. I couldn't live without you.
PETER
(GENTLY) Ellie. You'd better go over there, and go to sleep.
ELLIE
(RECOVERS, MOVING OFF) Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
PETER
Ellie. Wait a minute.
ELLIE
(OFF) Good night, Mr. Warne.
PETER
Ellie? Did you really mean that? About the island? Would you really go?
ELLIE
(OFF) Certainly not. You think I'm crazy?
PETER
Yeah, I ... I guess I did. Just for a minute.
MUSIC: UP AND OUT
SFX: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... COCK CROWS
ELLIE
Peter? Peter? Peter, where are you? Peter?!
SFX: CABIN DOOR OPENS
ELLIE
(CALLS) Peter?!
DOBBS
Mornin', Mrs. Warne.
ELLIE
Oh, good morning. Did you see Mister...? Did ... did you see my husband?
DOBBS
Husband? Why, he's gone.
ELLIE
Gone?
DOBBS
Yes, ma'am. Left about an hour ago.
ELLIE
He...? Did he say where?
DOBBS
Not a word. I heard him callin' long distance. He spoke to a Mr. Gordon at the New York Globe office. Said he had a great story and was goin' right into New York to see him.
ELLIE
(HURT) I see. Where's the telephone, please?
DOBBS
I don't think your husband'll be there yet, Mrs. Warne.
ELLIE
(EXPLODES) Oh, stop calling me Mrs. Warne! I'm not Mrs. Warne! I never will be Mrs. Warne! My name is Andrews. Ellie Andrews.
DOBBS
(STARTLED, MEEKLY) Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
ELLIE
Now, where's that phone?
DOBBS
Over there, ma'am, right over there.
ELLIE
Thank you.
DOBBS
(TO HIMSELF) Brr. Ow! Think it was my fault or somethin'. (MIMICS) "My name ain't Mrs. Warne, my name is Andrews. My..." Andrews? Ellie Andrews. Ellie! (CALLS, EXCITED) Oh, Ma, Ma! (MOVING OFF) Come here quick! Ma!
SFX: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... ELLIE DIALS PHONE
ELLIE
(HOLDING BACK TEARS) I want to call New York, please. ... Yes, person to person. Mr. King Westley. ... Westley! (SPELLING, THROUGH TEARS) W-E-S-T-L-E-Y.
MUSIC: TO A FINISH
SFX: APPLAUSE
DEMILLE
Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert in "It Happened One Night," with Walter Connolly and Roscoe Karns.
MUSIC: A SAD, GENTLE INTRO ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]
DEMILLE
The thread of an accidental meeting which bound the lives of Ellie and Peter has become a tangled knot. Ellie is convinced that Peter walked out on her and has given him no chance to explain. It's a week later, the morning of Ellie's marriage to King Westley. The bride-to-be sits alone in her room, staring mournfully at her reflection in the glass. Her father knocks at the door.
SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR
ANDREWS
(OFF) Ellie? Ellie?!
ELLIE
Yes, dad?
ANDREWS
(OFF) May I come in?
ELLIE
Come in.
SFX: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
ELLIE
Hello, dad.
ANDREWS
I knocked several times.
ELLIE
Oh, I'm sorry. I must have been daydreaming.
ANDREWS
Yes. Well. Everything's set for the wedding. Great stunt King is going to pull, creating quite a furor.
ELLIE
Stunt?
ANDREWS
Yes, landing on the lawn in an autogyro.
ELLIE
Oh. (UNENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, yes, I heard.
ANDREWS
Mm, yes. Personally, I think it's silly, too. You look lovely, child. Are you pleased with the gown? (NO ANSWER) Ellie?
ELLIE
Hmm? Oh, the ... the gown? Yes, it's nice, isn't it?
ANDREWS
What's the matter, child? What's wrong?
ELLIE
Nothing.
ANDREWS
You haven't changed your mind about King Westley, have you?
ELLIE
No.
ANDREWS
Because if you have, it isn't too late. You know how I feel about him. You gave me such a scare when I couldn't find you. You know, the old pump isn't what it used to be.
ELLIE
I'm sorry, father. I wouldn't hurt you for the world.
ANDREWS
What's the matter, child? Aren't you happy?
ELLIE
(STARTS TO CRY) Oh, dad ... (CONTINUES TO WEEP IN BG)
ANDREWS
Ahh, I thought so. I knew there was something on your mind. Aw, there, there, there now. What's the matter? You haven't fallen in love with someone else, have you? Have you? I haven't seen you cry since you were a baby. This must be serious. Where did you meet him?
ELLIE
On the road.
ANDREWS
Now, don't tell me you've fallen in love with the bus driver?
ELLIE
No.
ANDREWS
Who is he?
ELLIE
I ... I don't know very much about him. Except ... Except that I love him.
ANDREWS
Well, if it's as serious as all that, we'll move heaven and earth to ...
ELLIE
No! No, it's no use. He despises me.
ANDREWS
Oh, come now, come now.
ELLIE
Yes, he does. He despises everything about me. He thinks that I'm spoiled and selfish and pampered and thoroughly insincere.
ANDREWS
Ridiculous!
ELLIE
He doesn't think much of you either. ...
ANDREWS
Oh? No?
ELLIE
No. He blames you for everything that's wrong with me! He says you raised me stupidly. Oh, he's marvelous!
ANDREWS
Well, I'd like to have a talk with him.
ELLIE
I don't know.]
ANDREWS
I'd like to have a talk with him.
ELLIE
Oh, no, daddy, it wouldn't do any good. I practically threw myself at him.
ANDREWS
Well, under the circumstances, don't you think we ought to call this wedding off?
ELLIE
No. No, I'll go through with it. What difference does it make? I'll never see Peter again.
ANDREWS
Is that his name?
ELLIE
Yes. Peter.
ANDREWS
Peter Warne?
ELLIE
Yes! Do you know him?
ANDREWS
No, not exactly.
ELLIE
Oh, father, you haven't heard from him, have you?
ANDREWS
I, er ... Well, this letter came this morning, addressed to me.
ELLIE
From Peter?
ANDREWS
Yes. Here you are.
SFX: OPENS LETTER
ELLIE
(READS, EAGERLY AY FIRST, THEN DISAPPOINTED) "Dear sir! As your daughter has probably forgotten to tell you, there's a little financial matter connected with her safe return to your indulgent arms that I would appreciate your settling with me at your earliest convenience. Yours truly, Peter Warne." Oh. Well, I ... I guess that was his only interest in me, wasn't it? The reward. Ten thousand dollars.
ANDREWS
I'm sorry you read it.
ELLIE
Are you going to see him?
ANDREWS
Yes. As a matter of fact, I sent word to him to come out here this afternoon. I suppose he'll show up soon.
ELLIE
(BITTER) Oh, of course he will. Well, pay him off. He's entitled to it. He did an excellent job. He kept me thoroughly entertained. It's worth every penny he gets.
MUSIC: BRIDGE
ANDREWS
Sit down, Mr. Warne.
PETER
Thanks.
ANDREWS
I was surprised to get your note. My daughter hadn't told me anything about you. About your helping her.
PETER
That's typical of your daughter. Takes all those things for granted.
ANDREWS
I've discussed the matter with her since hearing from you and she thinks you're entitled to anything you can get.
PETER
Oh, she does, huh? Now, isn't that sweet of her? Well, I've got it all itemized.
ANDREWS
May I see the statement, please? Thank you. (READS) "Cash outlay, eight dollars and sixty cents. Top coat, fifteen dollars. Suitcase, seven dollars and fifty cents. Hat, four dollars. Three shirts, four dollars and fifty cents. Total, thirty-nine dollars and sixty cents. All the above items had to be hocked to provide food and shelter."
PETER
And I sold some shorts and socks, too, but I'm throwin' them in.
ANDREWS
Yes. I know, but...
PETER
What's the matter? Isn't it cheap enough? A trip like that'd cost you a thousand dollars, maybe more.
ANDREWS
Now, let me get this straight. You want thirty-nine dollars and sixty cents in addition to the ten thousand?
PETER
What ten thousand?
ANDREWS
Why, the reward.
PETER
Who said anything about a reward? All I want is thirty-nine sixty! Now, if you give me a check for it, I'll get out of this joint. Gives me the jitters.
ANDREWS
You're a peculiar chap.
PETER
We'll go into that some other time.
ANDREWS
The average man would go after the reward. All you seem to be ...
PETER
Listen. Did anyone ever make a sucker out o' you? This is a matter of principle. Something you probably wouldn't understand. But when anybody takes me for a buggy ride, I don't like the idea of having to pay for the privilege.
ANDREWS
Were you taken for a buggy ride?
PETER
With all the trimmings.
ANDREWS
My daughter seems to think she was on that ride, too. She thinks you walked out on her.
PETER
Listen, your daughter can think anything she wants. I went to New York to raise a little dough for your daughter so ... so that she could go out on that tropical island, and when I got bak?
ANDREWS
What tropical island?
PETER
None of your bus...! Well, when I come back to get her, she's skipped. And that's great, isn't it?
ANDREWS
Now, wait a minute...
PETER
What about my dough? Do I get it or don't I?
ANDREWS
Certainly.
PETER
Thank you.
ANDREWS
But I'd like to ask you one question. Do you love my daughter?
PETER
Any guy that'd fall in love with your daughter ought to have his head examined!
ANDREWS
That's an evasion. Do you love her?
PETER
A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her without going nutty! She's my idea of nothing!
ANDREWS
I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?
PETER
YES! ... But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself. ...
SFX: DOOR OPENS
ELLIE
(FADES IN) Well, well, well! Look who's here.
PETER
Hello. I was hoping I wouldn't have to bump into you.
ELLIE
Really? I hope you got your money.
PETER
You bet I did.
ELLIE
Congratulations.
PETER
Thanks, same to you.
ANDREWS
Ellie dear...
ELLIE
Stay around and watch the fun! King is going to drop down out of the skies any minute now in his favorite gyro. You'll enjoy it immensely.
PETER
I would but I've got a weak stomach. (MOVING OFF) Goodbye, Mr. Andrews.
SFX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT
ELLIE
Pleasant fellow, isn't he?
ANDREWS
Ellie dear, you shouldn't have talked to him like that. He's really a fine boy. We had quite a conversation.
ELLIE
I'm not interested.
ANDREWS
Now, see here, Ellie ...
ELLIE
I tell you, I'm not interested. I don't wanna hear another word about him!
SFX: AUTOGYRO ENGINE ... WEDDING CROWD MURMURS
ANDREWS
(MOVING OFF) What on earth is that?
ELLIE
King, I guess. Landing on the lawn in his gyro.
ANDREWS
(OFF) Seems to be creating quite a lot of excitement among the guests. (CLOSER) Well, Ellie?
ELLIE
(RESIGNED) Come on, Dad. Let's go down and get it over with.
SFX: AUTOGYRO ENGINE AND WEDDING CROWD FADE OUT
MUSIC: SOMBER VERSION OF "HERE COMES THE BRIDE" FOR A MOMENT ... CONTINUES IN BG
ANDREWS
King is waiting at the altar. All right. Take my arm. Let's go.
SFX: ELLIE AND ANDREWS SLOW FOOTSTEPS, FOR A MOMENT, THEN IN BG
ANDREWS
You know, Ellie, you're a sucker to go through with this. That guy Warne is okay.
ELLIE
Please, Dad.
ANDREWS
He is. He didn't want the reward. All he asked for was thirty-nine dollars and sixty cents that he spent on you.
ELLIE
What?
ANDREWS
Sure. He loves you, Ellie.
ELLIE
How do you know?
ANDREWS
(WHISPERS) He told me so.
ELLIE
(OVERCOME) Oh, Dad. Oh. (RESIGNED SIGH) Well, it's too late now.
ANDREWS
Is it? You don't want to be married to a mug like Westley. I can buy him off for a pot of gold. And you can make an old man happy. Pete Warne is a swell guy.
ELLIE
(READY TO CRY) Oh, please, please, don't.
ANDREWS
If you change your mind, your car's waiting at the back gate. What do you say, Ellie? You've still got a few seconds.
ELLIE
(WHISPERS) Oh, Dad!
ANDREWS
Is it Pete? Or is it this dumb cluck of an aviator?
ELLIE
(EXHALES) It's ... it's Pete!
ANDREWS
(QUIETLY) Hurray!
ELLIE
Oh, Daddy, kiss me quick.
ANDREWS
Goodbye, Ellie.
ELLIE
Goodbye.
SFX: ELLIE'S HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY ... CROWD REACTS, CONFUSED
ANDREWS
(CALLS) Run, Ellie, run! Go on, Ellie, go on! They'll never catch you! (LAUGHS MERRILY) Go on! Go on!
SFX: CROWD FADES OUT
MUSIC: "HERE COMES THE BRIDE" FADES OUT
SFX: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE ... CAR ENGINE FADES IN, CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND
ELLIE
Peter!
PETER
Mm hm?
ELLIE
What did you do with the marriage certificate? I can't find it any place.
PETER
Don't worry, brat. It's safe and sound in my inside pocket.
ELLIE
(RELIEVED SIGH) I was getting scared again.
PETER
(AMUSED) Hm. Afraid I was going to back out?
ELLIE
(LAUGHS) It's too late now, Mr. Warne. Oh, Peter, I'm so happy! Where are we going for our honeymoon?
PETER
I got the place all picked out. A tourist cabin, near Philadelphia.
ELLIE
A tourist cabin?! (LAUGHS) Oh, oh, Peter that's grand!
PETER
Yeah, yeah. See that big bundle of stuff I bought in the last town?
ELLIE
Uh huh. What's in it?
PETER
Ohhh, lots of things. A rope.
ELLIE
A rope?
PETER
Yeah. And, uh, a green blanket.
ELLIE
The walls of Jericho!
PETER
Right.
ELLIE
(LAUGHS) Is there anything else?
PETER
Yeah. Hand me that little package.
ELLIE
This one?
PETER
That's it.
ELLIE
What's in it?
SFX: PACKAGE UNWRAPPED
PETER
You'll see. There.
ELLIE
A trumpet? A toy trumpet!
PETER
Yeah. I never took a lesson but I guess I can manage it. Listen to this.
MUSIC: PETER BLOWS ON TOY TRUMPET
ELLIE
(LAUGHS) Oh, Peter, it's beautiful!
MUSIC: TO A TRIUMPHANT TRUMPET FINISH
SFX: APPLAUSE ... THEN FADES OUT
HOST
This is Re-Imagined Radio. Our episode is "Radio Romances." We just listened to "It Happened One Night." Cary Grant and Claudette Colbert starred in this March 20, 1939 episode for Lux Radio Theatre. Grant and Colbert reprised their roles from the 1934 Frank Capra motion picture. The fast-paced dialogue and charm make this radio romance a foundational screwball comedy.
MUSIC: FUSEBOX THEME FOR BREAK
THE FUSEBOX BREAK
HOST
This is John Barber. Thank you for listening to Re-Imagined Radio. While we re-arrange the studio for the next part of our episode, I'd like to take a moment and tell you about "The Fusebox Show."
Produced by Marc Rose, Milt Kanes, and Jeff Pollard, each episode features unique conversation and commentary that goes where even late night television talk show hosts fear to tread. Listen to these examples.
SFX: THE FUSEBOX SHOW TEASER
HOST
"The Fusebox Show" is also available as podcasts. Learn more at their website, thefuseboxshow dot com.
MUSIC: FOR TRANSITION
ACT #2, THE PHILADELPHIA STORY
HOST
"The Philadelphia Story" is our second radio romance. Cary Grant returns, this time with Katherine Hepburn and Jimmy Stewart. They reprise their roles from the 1939 motion picture for this radio adaptation broadcast by The Screen Guild Theater, March 17, 1947. 
"The Philadelphia Story" is considered one of the best examples of a comedy about remarriage, in which a couple divorce, flirt with outsiders, and then remarry. The genre was popular in the 1930s and 1940s when divorce was considered scandalous and the depiction of extramarital affairs was blocked by the Motion Picture Production Code.
We might also suggest this radio story presents a commentary about growing frustration with societal separations based on social and financial status. The American upper class is well represented in this story, along with a new middle class striving for a better position in a changing society. Let's listen to "The Philadelphia Story" starring Katherine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and Jimmy Stewart.
MUSIC: UP, THEME, SUSTAIN, THEN UNDER
MUSIC: OUT
KIDD
Miss Embry, you'll take your camera, of course. Ahh, Connor, you'll take your own special talents.
LIZ
Where?
CONNOR
Yeah. What's the deal?
KIDD
Your assignment will be Spy's most sensational achievement. Tracy Lord!
CONNOR
Tracy Lord?
KIDD
Big game hunting in Africa, fox hunting in Pennsylvania, married on impulse and divorced in rage. And always unapproachable by the press. The unapproachable Miss Lord.
CONNOR
Now look here, if you think that...
KIDD
The Philadelphia Story. (COMPOSING) Closed were the portals of snobbish fox-hunting. No, no wait. No hunter of foxes is Spy Magazine. Nevertheless, presented for the first time, quote, a wedding day inside Main Line society.
CONNOR
Or what the kitchen maid saw through the keyhole, unquote.
KIDD
You're the writer, Connor. I'm only the publisher.
CONNOR
All right, publisher, take this. Quote. No hunter of buckshot in the rear is cagey, crafty, Connor. Unquote. Close paragraph.
LIZ
Close job, close bank account. Look, Mr. Kidd, how could we even get inside the estate let alone into the house?
KIDD
Oh, it's been arranged.
SFX: INTERCOM CLICK
KIDD
Miss Wallace?
WALLACE
(ON FILTER) Yes, sir?
KIDD
Send him in please.
CONNOR
Now Liz, now wait a minute, we won't do it. It's degrading, demeaning, undignified...
LIZ
So is an empty stomach. Now just relax, we'll have to...
SFX: DOOR OPENS
DEXTER
Hello.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
CONNOR
Who are you?
KIDD
Connor, this gentleman has been employed in our Buenos Aires office. I believe he can help us.
CONNOR
How?
KIDD
Tracy Lord's brother, Junius, is in the American embassy down there and is an old friend of this gentleman. He'll introduce you to the family as an intimate friend of Junius.
CONNOR
Dear old Junius, hmm? Well, does Tracy Lord know this guy?
KIDD
(HEDGING) Oh, Yes.
DEXTER
You might say Tracy and I grew up together.
LIZ
You might also say you're C.K. Dexter Haven, and you were Tracy Lord's first husband.
DEXTER
Yes, you might.
CONNOR
Holy muck, what goes on here?
LIZ
Oh, I remember that honeymoon very well, Mr. Dexter Haven. You and she in a little sailboat. The True Love, wasn't it?
DEXTER
That's right. How did you know?
LIZ
I was the one photographer whose camera you didn't smash. You were terribly nice about it. You threw it in the ocean.
CONNOR
Oh, one of those, huh?
DEXTER
Yes, that's right. I rather thought our honeymoon was our own business.
LIZ
Incidentally, he paid for all the cameras, Mike. I got a sweet letter of apology too.
CONNOR
Oh. Always the gentleman, huh?
DEXTER
I wouldn't count on that.
KIDD
Now, then, what are the plans? The wedding is Saturday, this is Thursday. They should spend tomorrow night as guests of the Lord's.
CONNOR
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute! There's something screwy here. Now, if he's resigned, why's he doing this and...uh-oh. (REALIZING) Oh, oh, I get it, mister. You want to get even with your ex-bride.
DEXTER
As one gentleman to another, that may be exactly what I want. I'll have a car pick you up in North Philadelphia tomorrow noon. Good day.
SFX: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
CONNOR
Well how do you like that? He walks out on us, just as though we were...
LIZ
Handkerchief, Mike? There's a little spit in your eye. It shows.
MUSIC: BRIDGE, THEN OUT
MRS. LORD
Oh, dear. So many things to do and so little time. Tracy, when you finish listing those wedding presents...
TRACY
Mother. How do you spell omelet?
MRS. LORD
Two L's, two M's. One or the other.
DINAH
Omelet. That's a funny wedding present.
MRS. LORD
(EXASPERATED) Dinah, dear, it's an omelet dish. This wa...
DINAH
It stinks.
MRS. LORD
Oh, darling, don't say stinks! If necessary, smells, but only if absolutely necessary.
TRACY
Mother, if I ever finish writing down...Oh, this lamp! Isn't it awful?
MRS. LORD
Here, let me see that card. (SLIGHT PAUSE) Oh, yes, friends of your fathers.
TRACY
Wouldn't you know? What are they? Tap dancers? Or are they just musical comedy producers?
MRS. LORD
Tracy, that's hardly fair to your father's interest in the arts.
TRACY
The arts? The art of putting up a fortune to display the shapely legs of some...
MRS. LORD
Tracy, please.
TRACY
Well I'm certainly glad George isn't like that. Mother, isn't George an angel?
MRS. LORD
George is an angel.
TRACY
Is he handsome or is he not?
MRS. LORD
George is handsome.
DINAH
I liked Dexter.
TRACY
Really? Why don't you stop the wedding?
DINAH
How?
TRACY
Get smallpox.
MRS. LORD
Oh, please! Don't give her any ideas, Tracy. Now, Dinah...
DINAH
Oh, gee, Tracy's always so mean about Dexter.
MRS. LORD
Well, darling, he was rather mean to her.
DINAH
(FASCINATED) Did he really sock her?
MRS. LORD
Dinah...
TRACY
Really, Mother, if I don't choke her before Saturday...
DINAH
That would stop the wedding, wouldn't it?
TRACY
It would not. And you're supposed to be riding, young lady.
MRS. LORD
Yes, Dinah, they must be waiting at the stables.
DINAH
All right, all right. Mother?
MRS. LORD
(EXASPERATED) Yes, dear?
DINAH
How do you get small pox?
TRACY
(GROANS)
MRS. LORD
Dinah, please go away!
DINAH
Oh, I'm going, I'm going.
DEXTER
(WHISTLES, SNEAK IN UNDER)
MRS. LORD
Now, then, Tracy, let's get those lists finished.
TRACY
Mother! Mother! That whistle!
DINAH
Dexter! Dexter, you're back!
DEXTER
Dinah, my dream girl! My own true love.
MRS. LORD
Oh, no, it can't be!
TRACY
He wouldn't dare.
DINAH
Mother, look who's here! Mother, it's Dexter!
DEXTER
Well, hello.
TRACY
Dexter Haven, you go right back where you came from.
DEXTER
I can't. Dinah says it's too awful here without me. Redhead, if you don't look in the pink. Much too nice for George.
TRACY
If you think you can walk in here and...
MRS. LORD
Uh, Dexter, tell me, how is Junius?
DEXTER
Oh, Junius is fine. Heartbroken, of course, not to be here for the wedding. I suggested representing him as best man, but...
TRACY
Dexter, I appreciate your offer, but I'm afraid George would prefer to have his best man sober.
DEXTER
Uh, yes, yes. Well, I'm sure you'll like the people Junius did send.
TRACY
People?
MRS. LORD
That Junius sent, did you say?
DEXTER
Yes. Miss Embry and Mr. Connor. They're waiting now in the south parlor. You really ought to tell them what rooms they're to have.
MRS. LORD
Rooms?
TRACY
Dexter, have you switched from liquor to dope by any chance?
DEXTER
Well, it was Junius' idea, you see? They've been terribly nice to him and when they said they were coming to Philadelphia...
TRACY
Dexter Haven, you're lying. I can always tell.
DEXTER
Mmmm ... Can you, Red?
TRACY
Yes. You have a habit of, just a minute now, you went to work after the divorce, didn't you?
DEXTER
Not right after. First I tested several hundred bottles of bourbon.
TRACY
But after that, after that, you took a job in South America. Who for?
DEXTER
A magazine.
TRACY
Ah. And it wasn't by any chance Spy Magazine?
DEXTER
Oh, you're just a mass of intuition.
TRACY
I don't suppose Junius' friends are photographers by any chance?
DEXTER
Well, not exactly by chance.
TRACY
I thought you were low, Dex, but I never thought...Oh you!
DEXTER
Oh, you're slipping, Red. I used to be afraid of that look. The withering glance of the goddess.
TRACY
I didn't think that alcohol would destroy your last shred of decency so soon. I ought to...
MRS. LORDS
Tracy! Please. Dinah?
DINAH
Mother, not yet!
MRS. LORDS
Come along, dear. You're late for your ride.
DINAH
(PLEADING) But Mother, maybe he's gonna sock her again!
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
TRACY
Dexter, I'll have no argument about this. I want those people out of here and you too!
DEXTER
Yes, your majesty. But first, could I interest you in some small blackmail?
TRACY
No, you...What?
SFX: PAPER RUSTLING
DEXTER
Here you are. Galley proofs. An article complete with snapshots, details, and insinuations ready for publication in Spy. About your father and that dancer in New York.
TRACY
Father and Tina Mara? But they can't. They can't publish this. It's got to be stopped.
DEXTER
Well, it is stopped temporarily. If you'll allow Miss Embry and Mr. Connor to turn in a story on your wedding. And when Mr. Kidd says story, he means story.
TRACY
I'm gonna be sick.
DEXTER
Yes, dear. An intimate day with a society bride.
TRACY
I am sick.
DEXTER
Too bad. Well, they're in the south parlor, your majesty. Shall I conduct you in?
TRACY
Don't bother, please. I'm sure I know the way.
MUSIC: BRIDGE, THEN OUT
TRACY
I'm Tracy Lord, though I suppose you know that but any friend of Junius' is a friend of...So nice having you with us.
LIZ
We're happy to be here.
CONNOR
It's a pleasure.
TRACY
Too bad Junius couldn't be here. At least one male member of the family...
CONNOR
Where's your father?
TRACY
Darling Papa. I do hope you'll stay for my wedding.
LIZ
Yes, we'd like to.
CONNOR
That was more or less the idea.
TRACY
The house is rather a mess, of course, but we'll try to make you as comfortable as...Oh, what a cunning little camera!
LIZ
(FLUSTERED) I...I take pictures with it.
TRACY
Well I hope you'll take loads. Dear Papa and Mama aren't allowing any reporters in, except for little Mr. Grace who does the social news. Mr. Connor, can you imagine a grown up man sinking so low?
CONNOR
No . . . It does seem pretty bad.
TRACY
(SMALL LAUGH, THEN SHORT PAUSE) You're a sort of a writer, aren't you, Mr. Connor?
CONNOR
Well, sort of.
TRACY
A book?
CONNOR
Um-hmm.
TRACY
Under what name do you publish?
CONNOR
My own. Macauley Connor. Just try and call me that.
TRACY
(SMALL LAUGH) I won't. What's the Macauley for?
CONNOR
My father taught English history. I'm Mike to my friends.
TRACY
Of whom you have many, I'm sure. English history. It's always fascinated me. Cromwell, Robin Hood, Jack the Ripper. Where did he teach? I mean your father.
CONNOR
Well he ... ahh ... In a high school in South Bend, Indiana.
TRACY
South Bend. It sounds like dancing, doesn't it? And this is your first visit to Philadelphia. A quaint old place, don't you think? Odd customs and such. Where the scrapples eat bittle on Sunday. But then, you're still quite young.
CONNOR
Well, I don't know about that. I'm thirty.
TRACY
Really? One book isn't much for a man of thirty. I don't mean to criticize. You've probably have other interests outside your work.
CONNOR
No. None. Unless? Unless...
TRACY
Oh, oh how sweet! Are you two going together?
CONNOR
Well, sort of.
TRACY
Engaged I presume.
LIZ
No, no...
TRACY
But very much in love.
LIZ
Well, isn't that a little personal?
TRACY
Is it? But it's so very interesting, Miss Embry. Miss Embry, if a man says he loves a girl, don't you think he ought to marry her?
CONNOR
Hey now, just a... look ...
TRACY
Please, Mr. Connor, I asked Miss Embry a question.
LIZ
Well . . . It depends.
TRACY
I'm disappointed, Miss Embry. I've been very frank with you. However, I'll send a butler to show you your rooms. You'll join us, I hope, at the swimming pool.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
CONNOR
Well . . . Wow!
LIZ
That's what I say. Who's interviewing whom?
CONNOR
Steady old girl. Don't let it throw you.
LIZ
You want to take over?
CONNOR
I want to go home. But, uh, since I'm on the job, I'll settle for the swimming pool.
MUSIC: BRIDGE, THEN OUT
TRACY
(MUMBLING) Then she came out, he wandered in...
CONNOR
Oh!
TRACY
Oh, Mr. Connor.
CONNOR
Yes, you said to come down here. I didn't mean to interrupt your reading. It's nothing important I hope.
TRACY
You bet. It's very important. It's your book.
CONNOR
Oh? Oh. I didn't know you had it.
TRACY
Well I didn't. I sent to the library for it.
CONNOR
Oh? (SLIGHT PAUSE) Well. You like it?
TRACY
I like it very much. Especially the story called "With the Rich and Mighty." I think I like that one best.
CONNOR
Really? I got the title from a Spanish peasant's proverb. "With the rich and mighty, always a little patience."
TRACY
I like that. Tell me something, will you, Connor? When you can write a book like this, how can you possibly do anything else?
CONNOR
Well, you'll never believe it, but there are people in this world who have to earn a living.
TRACY
Yeah, of course. But people buy books, don't they?
CONNOR
Not if there's a library around. That book represents two solid years work that netted Connor less than...
DEXTER
(WHISTLES)
TRACY
Oh, heck, that's Dexter. Look, stand by, will you, Connor? I don't want to be alone with him.
DEXTER
Well, well. There you are. Found you just where I thought you'd be.
TRACY
Fancy seeing you here.
DEXTER
Orange juice? Certainly.
SFX: GLASSES RATTLING
SFX: JUICE BEING POURED
TRACY
Don't tell me you've forsaken your beloved whiskey and whiskeys?
DEXTER
No, but I think a pale pastel shade would be a better color for me today. How about you, Mr. Connor? You drink, don't you? Alcohol, I mean.
CONNOR
Hmm? A little.
DEXTER
A little? And you a writer.
TRACY
Dexter, will you do something for me?
DEXTER
Anything, Red. What?
TRACY
Crawl into some small hole until after the wedding.
DEXTER
I couldn't do that. At least not until I've...
TRACY
Connor, don't miss a word. Don't miss a word. We're gonna talk about me.
DEXTER
Why not? You find the subject fascinating. You're far and away your favorite person in the world. Of course, Mr. Connor, she's generous to a fault.
TRACY
To a fault, Mr. Connor.
DEXTER
Except to other people's faults. For instance, to what used to be my deep and gorgeous thirst.
TRACY
It was disgusting!
DEXTER
A weakness, sure. And strength is your religion. Well, when I realized I was not expected to be a loving husband and a good companion but a kind of a high priest to a virgin goddess.
TRACY
Dexter, you...
DEXTER
Well, then my drinks grew more frequent and deeper, that's all.
TRACY
Connor, don't you let him make you think... Why, he's gone.
DEXTER
(SMUG LAUGH) I like him.
TRACY
Dexter, what are you trying to make me out as?
DEXTER
Red, what do you fancy yourself as? What are you trying to do with this marriage to George? How can you even think of it?
TRACY
George Kittridge is everything you're not. He's been poor and he's had to work and he's had to fight for everything and I love him as I never even began to love you.
DEXTER
Really? You really are in love.
TRACY
Yes I am and you needn't sound so contemptuous.
DEXTER
I'm not, Red. Never of you. You could be the finest woman in the world if you could just learn to have some regard for human frailty. If only you'd slip a little sometime. But I guess that's hopeless. Your sense of inner divinity won't allow that. This goddess must and shall remain intact. This woman must represent her class, a special class. The married maidens.
TRACY
So help me, Dexter, if you say another word...
GEORGE
(SLIGHTLY OFF MIKE, CALLING) Tracy! Darling, you there by the pool?
TRACY
George...
DEXTER
That's the new high priest. I'll run along. Here, Red, I brought you a little wedding present. Sorry I had no ribbon to tie it up with. (GOING OFF) So long, Red.
SFX: PAPER RUSTLING
TRACY
A present? I wonder what...(SOFTLY) Oh.
GEORGE
Oh, there you are, my dear. I thought I'd run over and... Tracy? Aren't you going to say hello?
TRACY
(ABSENTLY) Yeah, yeah. Hello, George.
GEORGE
What's that you've got?
TRACY
Oh, a wedding present. From Dex.
GEORGE
A photogaph?
TRACY
A picture of the True Love.
GEORGE
The what?
TRACY
We sailed her up the coast of Maine and back the summer we were married. My, she was yar.
GEORGE
Yar? What's that?
TRACY
It means, oh, easy to handle, quick to the helm. Fast, bright. Everything a boat should be. Until it develops dry rot. (STARTS CRYING) Oh, George...
GEORGE
There, now. He'll not upset you anymore. He never appreciated you anyway. How could he? Anyone as wonderful as you.
TRACY
George...
GEORGE
That's what I've always thought, from the first time I saw you. You're like some marvelous, distant, oh, queen, I guess. There's kind of beautiful purity about you.
TRACY
George...
GEORGE
It's what everyone feels. They worship you, darling.
TRACY
George, listen. I don't want to be worshipped. I want to be loved.
GEORGE
Oh, you're that, too.
TRACY
I mean really loved.
GEORGE
Of course. And now I'll have to hurry, darling. Big party tonight, you know.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS, TRAILING OFF
GEORGE
(GOING AWAY) I'll pick you up around nine.
TRACY
Well ... I ... I (CALLING OUT) Connor! Hey, Connor! Are you around here somewhere?
CONNOR
(APPROACHING) Yeah, here in the dressing room.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
CONNOR
Were you calling me?
TRACY
Yes I was. Connor, do you ever take a drink?
CONNOR
A drink? Oh yes, yes. Sometimes.
TRACY
Well that's good. Let's go in and open a bottle of champagne.
MUSIC: BRIDGE, THEN OUT
HOST
The second act of the Lady Esther Screen Guild Show starring Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant, and Jimmy Stewart, will follow in a moment. But first, a word from Lady Esther.
LADY ESTHER
Have you heard what's new and smart in Easter hats? There are lots of styles to choose from. Adorable little hats, made entirely of flowers. Perky bowlers with rolled up brims. Bewitching bonnets to frame your face with beauty. But here's the one style note that's most important. The new spring hats are worn back off your forehead. They give the world a good look at your face. Well, now, how about your skin? Will it have a lovely springtime look to show the world. It will, if you use my new spring face powder shade called Bridal Pink. Lady Esther Bridal Pink is fashion right for spring. And beauty right for you. Now, at last, you don't have to worry about which shade of face powder is right for you. Here, for the first time, is one shade of face powder that's right for four basic types of skin. If you're a blonde, Bridal Pink will dramatize your blondness. Make your skin look softer, more alluring. If you're a brunette, Lady Esther Bridal Pink will intensify the contrast, make you look so much more romantic. If you're a brownette, Bridal Pink will give an exciting lift to your whole appearance. And if you're a redhead, Bridal Pink will wake up your skin, give it the life and warmth it needs to go with your hair. Buy a box of Bridal Pink tomorrow. Don't wait for spring. Start now to use this lovelier face powder shade which makes even a bride look more romantic.
MUSIC: THEME, UP, SUSTAIN, THEN OUT
HOST
And now Lady Esther presents the second act of "The Philadelphia Story," starring Jimmy Stewart, Katharine Hepburn, and Cary Grant.
MUSIC: UP, SUSTAIN, THEN OUT
HOST
Well, that bottle of champagne was just the first. Later, at the party on a neighboring estate, Tracy and Mike sampled quite a few more, until George departed in a huff and left Mike to escort Tracy home. That's where we find them now, just arriving with a bottle they've brought along for the road.
TRACY
(OBVIOUSLY TIPSY) Well, well here we are, Professor.
CONNOR
(OBVIOUSLY TIPSY) You know, it's funny. I never noticed this light before.
TRACY
(GIGGLES AND HICCUPS) Silly, that's the swimming pool.
CONNOR
Oh. (PAUSE) You know, champagne's tricky. I'm used to bourbon. Bourbon's a slap on the back. Champagne...champagne's a heavy mist before my eyes.
TRACY
A quick swim will fix that. Dexter and I always swam after parties.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING, UNDER
CONNOR
Let's forget about Dexter. Have a drink.
SFX: GLASSES CLINKING
TRACY
Why not? Mike, Mike, do you hear a telephone ringing?
CONNOR
I did a little while ago. No, I can't hear . . . Well now, yes I do. No, well it's very far away.
TRACY
That's my bedroom telephone, and it's probably George.
SFX: TELEPHONE, OUT
TRACY
I'd better go in. (SLIGHT PAUSE) No. No, it stopped.
CONNOR
Fine. Drink your champagne.
TRACY
That's a good idea.
SFX: GLASSES CLINKING
TRACY
Hello. You.
CONNOR
Hello.
TRACY
You look fine.
CONNOR
(BOISTEROUS) I feel fine!
TRACY
(LAUGHS) Did you like the party?
CONNOR
Sure. The prettiest sight in this fine, pretty world. (STUMBLES OVER THE WORDS) The privileged class enjoying its privileges. (STUMBLES THROUGH "PRIVILEGES" SEVERAL TIMES)
TRACY
You're a snob, Connor.
CONNOR
No doubt. No doubt. Hey, Tracy. Hey, you can't marry that guy.
TRACY
George? I'm going to. Why not?
CONNOR
You don't match up.
TRACY
Professor, you're stepping out of character.
CONNOR
My mistake.
TRACY
Oh, don't apologize.
CONNOR
Who's apologizing?
TRACY
Really, I never knew such a man.
CONNOR
I guess I . . . I never knew a girl like you. Tracy!
TRACY
Yeah?
CONNOR
Tracy, you're wonderful. There's a magnificence in you.
TRACY
Mike ...
CONNOR
A magnificence that comes out of your eyes and in your voice and in the way you stand and the way you walk. There's fires banked down in you, Tracy. Hearth fires and holocausts.
TRACY
Mike? You don't think I'm like a goddess?
CONNOR
You're flesh and blood. That's the blank, unholy surprise. You're the golden girl, Tracy. You're full of life and warmth and delight. Hey, what goes on? You've got tears in your eyes.
TRACY
(QUICKLY) Shut up, shut up, oh, Mike, keep talking, keep talking, will you?
CONNOR
What good is talk? Tracy, Tracy.
(PAUSE)
TRACY
Golly, golly Moses. Nobody's ever kissed me like that.
CONNOR
Tracy, I want to tell you something.
TRACY
Please, all of the sudden I've got the shakes.
CONNOR
Please, Tracy?
TRACY
It's as though my insteps were melting away. Gee, what is it? Have I got feet of clay or something?
CONNOR
Tracy, you're so lovely.
TRACY
Wait, I know. The pool. There's a moon and it's warm and we could go...
CONNOR
Now?
TRACY
Now. Mike, put me in your pocket and let's go swimming.
MUSIC: BRIDGE, THEN OUT
DINAH
Don't you see, Dexter? I had to tell someone. Oh, I could hardly wait till you got here this morning.
DEXTER
Yes, but, Dinah, my love, are you sure it wasn't just a dream?
DINAH
Well, I can't be positive, but...
TRACY
(DULLY) Good morning.
DEXTER
Well, what ho? The bride.
DINAH
In her wedding dress.
TRACY
Such a lovely day. Is everybody fine? I'm fine.
DEXTER
Hmm. How fine are you?
TRACY
I... I don't know what's the matter with me. I can hardly open my eyes. I must have had too much sun yesterday.
DEXTER
It's awfully easy to get too much.
DINAH
Tracy, you're not really going to, are you?
TRACY
Going to what?
DINAH
Marry George? After last night?
TRACY
Last night? What are you talking about?
DINAH
Tracy? Don't you even remember?
TRACY
Remember what?
DEXTER
I've been telling Dinah. It was just a dream.
TRACY
A dream? Well, what kind of a dream?
DINAH
Well, last night, it was awful late, I guess. I woke up and looked out of my window and guess what I saw?
TRACY
What?
DINAH
Mr. Connor.
TRACY
Mike?
DINAH
Uh-huh. Sort of coming from the pool, with both arms full of something. And what do you think it turned out to be?
TRACY
What?
DINAH
You. And some clothes. And you were sort of . . . crooning.
TRACY
I never crooned in my life. (SLIGHT PAUSE) Then what?
DINAH
Then he carried you into the house, and I could hear him take you into your room.
TRACY
Mike and me? Well, I'm going crazy. I'm standing here on my own two hands and going crazy. What else?
DINAH
Well, after that he...
CONNOR
(GROGGY) G-good morning everybody.
DEXTER
Oh, well, morning, Connor! How do you feel? Hmm?
CONNOR
Well ... I ...
TRACY
Mike, what's happened to your chin?
CONNOR
My chin? Oh. Well, you see...
DINAH
Tracy, I didn't get to tell you. When Mr. Connor came out again, George was waiting for him.
TRACY
No!
DINAH
Yes. And Mr. Connor sort of got hit on the chin.
TRACY
George?
DEXTER
No. Me.
TRACY
You? Dex, you were there too? Good grief, why didn't you sell tickets?
CONNOR
I'll say Dexter was there. What a clip he gave me.
DEXTER
Oh well, I'm sorry, Mike. I thought I'd better hit you before George did. He's in better shape than I am.
TRACY
Dex? Mike? Will somebody please tell me what happened before I go stark raving mad?
CONNOR
On the level you don't know?
TRACY
Of course I don't know. I don't remember anything.
DEXTER
Ah, lucky Tracy. She's drawn a blank.
TRACY
Shut up, Dex. Mike, you tell me.
CONNOR
Well, you see...
MRS. LORD
(APPROACHING, CALLING) Tracy, Tracy, are you ready, darling? The guests are all here and the bishop's waiting. Oh, dear, where is George? George! Good heavens, Tracy, I forgot! He was here at ten and left this note.
TRACY
For me?
SFX: ENVELOPE RIPPED OPEN
SFX: PAPER RUSTLED, UNDER
TRACY
I wonder what it could be.
DEXTER
Go on, read it out loud, Red. We're all friends.
TRACY
Yes, I will. Listen to this. Quote, "Your conduct last night was so shocking to my ideals of womanhood and my attitude toward you and the prospects of a happy and useful life together..."
GEORGE
(OFF, CALLING) Tracy!
TRACY
Hello, George.
GEORGE
Tracy, I didn't dream you... all these people!
TRACY
Why? It's only a letter from a friend. They're my friends too.
GEORGE
I thought I ought to come and explain. I mean I...
TRACY
It's clear enough, George. You're chucking me over and good riddance.
GEORGE
Well, after all, I have a point, you know. On the very eve of your marriage...
DEXTER
Just a minute, George. Mike, why don't you tell him what happened last night?
CONNOR
Well, exactly two kisses and one late swim after which I deposited Tracy in her room and I left.
GEORGE
You mean . . . you mean to say that's all there was to it?
CONNOR
I do.
TRACY
Why? Was I so terribly unattractive, Mike? So distant? So forbidding that you...
CONNOR
No, no you were extremely attractive and far from distant or forbidding. But you were also, well...
DEXTER
Pretty pixilated, Red.
CONNOR
Yeah! And then there are rules about that.
TRACY
Thank you, Mike. I think men are wonderful.
GEORGE
Tracy, perhaps I was a little hasty. But, well, a man does expect his wife to...
TRACY
To behave herself, naturally.
DEXTER
To behave herself naturally.
GEORGE
Will you please?
DEXTER
Well I'm sorry.
GEORGE
Tracy, if you're willing to let bygones be bygones . . . what do you say?
TRACY
Goodbye, George.
GEORGE
I beg your pardon.
TRACY
I said, goodbye.
GEORGE
But . . . but we...
TRACY
You see, you're much too good for me, George. You're a hundred times too good. And I'd make you most unhappy. Most.
GEORGE
Very well. If that's how you want it. Possibly it's just as well. (GOING OFF) Good day.
DEXTER
Congratulations, Red. Or is that proper without a groom?
CONNOR
Maybe we can make it proper, Tracy?
TRACY
Yeah, Mike?
CONNOR
I got you into this, I'll get you out. Will you marry me, Tracy?
TRACY
No, Mike. Thank you, but, mmm-mmm. No.
CONNOR
Why not?
TRACY
Because I don't think that nice girl with a camera would like it and I'm not sure that you would and I'm even a little doubtful about myself.
MUSIC: ORGAN MUSIC, UNDER
DEXTER
There goes your wedding music, Tracy.
TRACY
And besides, I made a mistake yesterday. I opened a wedding present too soon. A present without any ribbons on it.
DEXTER
Red?
TRACY
Just a picture of a boat. A boat I don't think I've ever forgotten.
DEXTER
Red, I've got an old wedding license. The one we didn't use when we eloped. Whattya say?
TRACY
Dex? Dex, are you sure?
DEXTER
Not in the least, but I'll risk it. Will you?
TRACY
And, and, and you wouldn't be doing it just to save my face?
DEXTER
Why shouldn't I save it? It's a nice little face.
TRACY
Oh, Dex. I'll be yar this time, darling. I promise, darling, I'll be yar.
DEXTER
Be whatever you like. You're my redhead. You all set?
TRACY
All set. Oh, never have I been so full of love. Mike, how do I look?
CONNOR
Like a queen, like a goddess.
TRACY
That's funny, Mike, because you know how I feel? For the first time in my life? Like a human being.
MUSIC: BRIDGE TO APPLAUSE
HOST
That was "The Philadelphia Story," a radio romance starring Katherine Hepburn, Clark Gable, and Jimmy Stewart. I hope you enjoyed listening.
RIR BREAK
MUSIC: RIR THEME MUSIC
HOST
This is Re-Imagined Radio, a program about the power and shared experience of sound-based storytelling. There's nothing to see, but everything to hear. With each episode, we explore classic and contemporary audio drama, reexamining radio's rich storytelling traditions and reintroducing listeners to forgotten or overlooked works that continue to resonate today. Here are some examples from previous episodes.
SFX: RE-IMAGINED RADIO AUDIO TRAILER
HOST
More information about listening opportunities, including our YouTube channel, is available at ...reimaginedradio DOT fm.
MUSIC: RIR THEME, ESTABLISH, THEN DUCK UNDER THE FOLLOWING
HOST CREDITS
HOST
This episode of Re-Imagined Radio, number ninety-four, is called "Radio Romances" and has featured two romantic comedies for February and Valentine's Day.
Re-Imagined Radio is produced in collaboration with The Electronic Literature Lab at Washington State University Vancouver.
Our programs are broadcast and streamed by partner community radio stations KXRW-FM (Vancouver, Washington), KXRY-FM (Portland, Oregon), and KNOM-AM (Nome, Alaska).
THANKS to Marc Rose for sound design, and post-production.
Evan Leyden and Holly Slocum for graphic designs.
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Re-Imagined Radio acknowledges the debt we owe to previous and contemporary radio artists and we hope our curation and stewardship of their artifacts and efforts demonstrates our sincerity.
I'm John Barber, producer and host. It's been a pleasure sharing this episode with you. Thank you for listening.
MUSIC: RIR THEME UP, THEN DUCK UNDER THE FOLLOWING
ANNOUNCER CLOSE
ANNOUNCER
This is a production of Re-Imagined Radio. To learn more, visit our website, reimaginedradio (all one word, no punctuation) DOT fm. 
Please join us for another episode of Re-Imagined Radio as we continue our exploration of sound-based storytelling.
MUSIC: RIR THEME UP, AND TO END.