The Maltese Falcon

Adapted, Produced, and Hosted by

John F. Barber

CC BY-NC-ND 4.0
(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/)
Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 4.0 International
©2025 Re-Imagined Radio. All rights reserved (except those granted by the Creative Commons license)

Re-Imagined Radio
Season 08, Episode 02, January 22, 2020

Final draft

THE MALTESE FALCON
A live performance by Re-Imagined Radio and Metropolitan Performing Arts, January 22, 2020, Kiggins Theatre, Vancouver, WA. Our last before the COVID-19 pandemic.

Adapted from the novel by Dashiell Hammett (1930), the movie (1941), and the radio broadcast (3 July 1946).

CHARACTER descriptions
Sam SPADE (hard-boiled detective with a comeback for everything)

Lieutenant DUNDY (police detective)

Tom POLHAUS (police detective)

EFFIE Perine (Spade's secretary)

Miles ARCHER (Spade's partner)

BRIGID O'Shaughnessy (femme fatale, beautiful but treacherous, changes loyalty at the drop of a dime)

Joel CAIRO (a criminal for sure, but he smells of gardenias)

Casper GUTMAN (The Fat Man, wealthy, cunning, obsessed 
with a falcon statue)

WILMER Cook (a thug, employed by GUTMAN)

DISTRICT ATTORNEY (driven by personal career interests)

Captain JACOBY (delivers a package and dies)

ACT 1: PARTNER IS MURDERED
MUSIC: UP FOR INTRODUCTION, THEN FADE UNDER
NARRATOR
Our story tonight is about Sam Spade, a private detective with his own code of ethics. He's tough enough to bluff the toughest thugs and hold off the police, risking his reputation when a beautiful woman begs for his help with a heartbreaking story, all the while knowing that betrayal may deal him a new hand in the next moment.
SPADE
(NARRATES) My name is Spade, Sam Spade. License number three-five-seven-eight-nine-six, issued by the police department of San Francisco. Occupation: private detective, sometimes known as "private eye." My files in the case of the Maltese Falcon are closed, but I've got the Maltese Falcon. I got it and some dough. My partner got murdered and a very slick chick went up for life. I'll tell you about it. The story begins early one morning . . .
MUSIC: UP, THEN OUT
SFX: KNOCKING AT DOOR
NARRATOR
When he heard the knocks on the front door of his San Francisco apartment, at four-thirty in the morning, Spade knew it was the police. He was dressed for them. A thin white union suit, gray pants and socks, black garters, and brown shoes. He wore a green-striped white shirt, a soft white collar, a green necktie. His  rounded shoulders kept his freshly pressed gray jacket from fitting well.
SFX: KNOCKING AT DOOR
DUNDY
All right, Spade, open up! We know you're in there, Spade! Come on!
SPADE
(MUFFLED, BEHIND DOOR) Who is it?
DUNDY
Dundy and Polhaus. Wanna speak to ya.
SFX: DOOR OPENS
SPADE
Come in, Lieutenant Dundy. Nice time to make a call.
DUNDY
Yeah.
SPADE
Four-thirty in the morning. Or did your watch stop?
DUNDY
We don't have any hours on the force, Spade. Got a couple o' questions to ask you.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
SPADE
Sure. Hiya, Tom. Fix you a drink, take the edge off before breakfast?
POLHAUS
Hello Sam. No thanks.
DUNDY
What d'you know about this killing, Spade?
SPADE
Very little.
POLHAUS
Miles Archer was your partner, wasn't he?
SPADE
That's right.
POLHAUS
Spade and Archer, private detectives. Heh. I guess you'll have to change that name.
SPADE
Yeah. From now on, it's just Sam Spade.
POLHAUS
Yeah.
DUNDY
You don't seem very broken up over this, Spade. Miles Archer gets shot dead two hours ago and you toss it off like a Scotch-and-soda.
SPADE
Haven't you anything better to do than popping in here early in the morning and asking a lot of fool questions.
DUNDY
And gettin' a lot of lyin' answers.
SPADE
You don't like me, do you, Dundy? Well listen, it's been a long time since I burst into tears because a policeman didn't like me.
DUNDY
I don't like private detectives, cops not on the force. I asked you what you knew about Miles Archer getting killed.
SPADE
Well, once again, very little. Your boys called me at ten after two. I understand they found a Webley automatic in the alley with one bullet out of it.
DUNDY
Yeah. Was Archer out on a job last night?
SPADE
Well, sure. He was supposed to be tailing a fellow named Floyd Thursby.
DUNDY
Thursby? He was a St. Louis gunman who got in trouble with the law several times for petty crime and battery charges. Why were you tailing him? (PAUSE) Come on, Spade! What for?
SPADE
We were trying to find out where he lived.
DUNDY
Spade, suppose you answer once without thinking so hard.
SPADE
I'll tell it or not as I damned please. I don't like this, Dundy. Why are you coming in here trying to rope me? Tell me or get out and let me get to bed!
DUNDY
We're trying to learn why you were tailing Thursby.
SPADE
My way of learning is to heave a wild and unpredictable monkey-wrench into the machinery. It's all right with me, if you're sure none of the flying pieces will hurt you.
DUNDY
So why were you tailing Thursby?
SPADE
I wasn't. Miles was. For the swell reason that we had a client who was paying good United States money to have him tailed.
DUNDY
Who's the client?
SPADE
Well, I'm sorry. You know I can't tell you that until I've talked it over with the client.
POLHAUS
Be reasonable, Sam. Give us a chance.
SPADE
My clients are entitled to a decent amount of secrecy. Maybe I can be made to talk to a Grand Jury or even a Coroner's Jury, but I haven't been called before either yet, and it's a cinch I'm not going to advertise my clients' business until I have to.
POLHAUS
How can we turn up anything on Miles' killing if you don't tell us what you've got?
SPADE
Okay. It was a girl who wanted us to tail Thursby.
DUNDY
What girl?
SPADE
She came into the office yesterday afternoon. I didn't know who she was. Effie announced her about three o'clock. Said there was a girl to see me, a girl named Wonderly. (FADES OUT)
SFX: DOOR OPENS
EFFIE
There's a girl to see you, Mr. Spade. She says her name's Wonderly.
NARRATOR
That's Effie Perine, Spade's secretary. She's a lanky, sunburned woman. Her eyes are brown and playful. Her face shiny, boyish. Spade treats her like a little girl, but, as Spade will admit, he does not know how to talk to women.
SPADE
What is she, angel? A customer?
EFFIE
I guess so. You'll want to see her anyway, Mr. Spade. She's a knockout.
SPADE
Well, shoo her in, Effie, darling.
EFFIE
(EXITING) Will you come in, Miss Wonderly?
BRIGID
(OFF) Thank you.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
BRIGID
(CLOSER) Mr. Spade?
NARRATOR
The woman in Spade's office was indeed, as Effie described her, attractive. Her dress and coat, two shades of blue, matched her cobalt eyes. Dark red hair curled from under her blue hat. Her full lips were more darkly red, contrasting nicely with her white teeth
SPADE
Yeah, that's right. What can I do for you, Miss Wonderly?
BRIGID
Well, I, I don't know where to start. I asked at the hotel for the name of a reliable private detective and they mentioned yours.
SPADE
I see. Well, now, suppose you tell me about it from the very beginning.
BRIGID
Well, I'm from New York. I've come here to find my sister, Corinne.
SPADE
Mm hm. Well, are you sure she's in San Francisco?
BRIGID
Well, she was two weeks ago. I have a letter from her. She, she came here with a man named Thursby, Floyd Thursby.
SPADE
You mean she ran away with him?
BRIGID
Yes. Oh, Mr. Spade, I've got to find her! Mother and Father are in Honolulu and it would kill them. I've got to get her back before they come home.
SPADE
Well, what did she say in the letter?
BRIGID
Nothing, except that she was all right. I sent her a note begging her not to do anything foolish. I sent it to general delivery. I told her I was coming out to get her. I shouldn't have done that, should I?
SPADE
Well, it's not always easy to know what to do. You haven't found her?
BRIGID
No. No, I told her I'd be at the St. Mark Hotel, for her to meet me there. But I've waited three whole days. She didn't come, didn't even send a message.
SPADE
Well, go on.
BRIGID
Oh, it was horrible. Waiting. Yesterday afternoon I went to the post office. Corinne didn't come for her mail, but Floyd Thursby did.
SPADE
Well, did you speak to him?
BRIGID
Yes. He wouldn't tell me where Corinne was. But he promised to bring her to the hotel this evening.
SFX: DOOR OPENS
ARCHER
(COMING IN) Hiya, Sam. Say, I, er . . . Oh. Excuse me.
SPADE
Oh, it's all right, it's all right, Miles, uh . . . Miss Wonderly, this is Mr. Archer, my partner.
ARCHER
(ATTRACTED) Well . . . How do you do?
BRIGID
(MEEKLY) Mr. Archer.
ARCHER
Anything I can do, Sam?
SPADE
Well, uh, Miss Wonderly's sister ran away from New York with a fellow named Thursby.
ARCHER
Mm hm.
SPADE
Miss Wonderly has seen Thursby and has a date with him tonight at the St. Mark. Maybe he'll bring the sister with him but the chances are he won't. Miss Wonderly wants us to find the sister and get her away from him and back home. Right?
BRIGID
Yes. But I want you to know that he's a dangerous man. I don't think he'd stop at anything. I don't believe he'd hesitate to . . . to kill Corinne if he thought it would save him.
SPADE
What time is he coming to see you?
BRIGID
Between eight and ten.
SPADE
All right, Miss Wonderly. We'll have a man there.
ARCHER
(BRIGHTLY) Oh, no, Sam, no. This is too important for that. I'll look after it myself, Miss Wonderly.
BRIGID
Oh, thank you.
ARCHER
Not at all.
BRIGID
Oh, oh, here. I . . . I've brought some money. Will two hundred dollars be enough?
SPADE
Well, to begin with, yes. Oh, uh, by the way, it would help some if you'd meet Thursby in the lobby.
BRIGID
Oh, I will.
ARCHER
You don't have to look for me, Miss Wonderly. I'll see you all right.
BRIGID
Thank you. Goodbye.
SPADE
Goodbye.
ARCHER
(HOPEFULLY) Good-bye, Miss Wonderly. See you tonight.
BRIGID
(FADES) Yes, goodbye.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
(PAUSE)
SPADE
Well, Miles, what do you think of her?
ARCHER
(CHUCKLE) You saw her first, Sam, but I spoke first.
SPADE
I wasn't talking about her as a person. What about her story?
ARCHER
Huh? Oh. What about it?
SPADE
Well, you've got a great brain, Miles. Yes, you have. But maybe you're not thinking with your brain. Get out of here and get to work. Be careful.
SFX: DOOR OPENS, THEN CLOSES
DUNDY
(FADES IN) So Miles went out to tail Thursby last night?
SPADE
Yeah.
DUNDY
And Thursby shot him? Is that what you think?
SPADE
No, that's what you think, Dundy. I don't know.
DUNDY
Tom, get on the phone. Call the St. Mark and ask for a girl named Wonderly.
SPADE
I thought of that myself, Lieutenant. She was never registered. The whole story's probably a fake.
DUNDY
Oh, was it? How 'bout yours, Mr. Spade?
SPADE
Uh, Tom, what's your boyfriend gettin' at?
DUNDY
I'll tell you what I'm getting at! Floyd Thursby was shot down in front of his hotel an hour ago! Where were you tonight, Spade?
SPADE
I was right here, all night long.
DUNDY
Got any proof?
SPADE
No. So you think I shot Thursby, huh?
DUNDY
Yeah. I think you did.
SPADE
(LAUGHS) Well, I know where I stand now. Did, uh, Thursby die?
DUNDY
Yes.
SPADE
How did I kill him? I forget.
DUNDY
He was shot three times in the back with a .44.
SPADE
Hotel people know anything about him?
DUNDY
Nothing. Except he'd been there a week.
SPADE
Alone?
DUNDY
Alone.
SPADE
Well, did you find out who he was? What his game was?
DUNDY
Nope. We thought you could tell us that.
SPADE
I've never seen Thursby, dead or alive.
DUNDY
Now, look, Spade. If you did kill Thursby, you'll get a square deal and most of the breaks. Don't know that I'd blame you a lot, the man that killed your partner, but that wouldn't keep me from nailin' ya.
SFX: DOOR OPENS
SPADE
Well, fair enough. Now, good night, gentlemen. I'm tired.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
SPADE
(NARRATES) That's how it began. This slick dame comes to see me, gives me a song-and-dance about her sister and a guy called Floyd Thursby. She wants me to get her sister back before her mother and father get in from Hawaii. I put my partner, Miles Archer, on the case. That night, he gets murdered. And so does this guy Thursby.
ACT 2: "I BELIEVED YOUR TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS"
MUSIC: UP FOR A TRANSITION, THEN IN BACKGROUND
SFX: PHONE RINGS TWICE, PICKS UP
SPADE
Hello? . . . Yes . . . Oh, hello, Miss Wonderly. Where are you? What? . . . Coronet Apartments, one-oh-one, huh? I'll be there in a few minutes.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS
NARRATOR
Spade went round to the apartment of the woman calling herself Wonderly. Despite using a false name, she had something Spade seemed to go for.
SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR
SFX: DOOR OPENS
BRIGID
(GLAD TO SEE HIM) Oh, uh, Mr. Spade. Come in.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
SPADE
Thank you.
NARRATOR
She led down the hallway and into a cream and red living room, which was in some disarray.
BRIGID
Everything is upside down. I haven't finished unpacking.
SPADE
You're not gonna go around the room straightening things and poking the fire, are you?
BRIGID
(TROUBLED) No, not that. Mr. Spade, I've a terrible confession to make.
SPADE
Yeah? Well, go ahead, Miss Wonderly.
BRIGID
Well, that . . . that story I told you yesterday was all . . . a story.
SPADE
Oh, that's all right. Of course, you lied to us about your sister and all that, but that doesn't count. I didn't believe your story.
BRIGID
Then. . .?
SPADE
I believed your two hundred dollars.
BRIGID
You mean . . .
SPADE
I mean you paid too much for someone who was telling the truth, and enough more to make it all right.
BRIGID
(CHUCKLES) Oh, I see.
SPADE
No, angel. You have no idea. I don't care what kind of tricks you're up to, what your secrets are, but I've got to have something to show that you know what you're doing.
BRIGID
I do know. Please believe that I do, and that it's all for the best, and . . .
SPADE
Show me! I'm willing to help you. I've done what I could so far. If necessary I'll go ahead blindfolded, but I can't do it without more confidence in you than I've got now. You've got to convince me that you know what it's all about, that you're not simply fiddling around by guess and by God, hoping it'll come out all right somehow in the end.
BRIGID
Where can we start?
SPADE
Let's clear up one thing first, Miss Wonderly.
BRIGID
What?
SPADE
Your name. Now, what is it? Not Wonderly?
BRIGID
No. It's really O'Shaughnessy.
SPADE
First name?
BRIGID
Brigid.
SPADE
Brigid O'Shaughnessy. Well, that's one I can believe.
BRIGID
Mr. Spade, tell me, am I to blame for last night?
SPADE
Well, not unless there are things I don't know about. You warned us that Thursby was dangerous. So, I wouldn't say it was your fault.
BRIGID
Oh, thank you. Mr. Archer was so, so alive yesterday, so solid and hearty . . .
SPADE
Now, stop it. He knew what he was doing. Those are the chances we take. Anyway, there's no time for worrying about that. Right now there's a flock of cops running around with their noses to the ground.
BRIGID
Mr. Spade, do they know about me?
SPADE
Well, so far all they know is that there's a girl somewhere.
BRIGID
But must they know about me at all, Mr. Spade? Couldn't you manage to shield me from them?
SPADE
Well, maybe, but, uh, I'll have to know what it's all about.
BRIGID
Well, I can't tell you now. Later I will. You'll have to trust me. (SHIFTS TONE, BECOMES IMPLORING, AND DRAMATIC) Oh, I'm so alone and afraid. I . . . I've got nobody to help me if you won't. Please trust me. Help me. Be generous, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
Hm. You don't need much of anybody's help. You're good. It's chiefly your eyes, I think, and that throb you get into your voice when you say things like, uh, "Be generous, Mr. Spade."
BRIGID
All right. I deserve that. But the lie was in the way I said it, not in what I said. You can leave if you like.
SPADE
Oh, no, no. Not yet. I've got nothing against trusting you blindly but, uh, I can't do you any good if I don't know what it's all about. For instance, I've gotta have some sort of a line on your friend Thursby.
BRIGID
I met him in Hong Kong. We came here just last week.
SPADE
Where? Not from Hong Kong?
BRIGID
No.
SPADE
Where?
BRIGID
Well, I, I can't tell you.
SPADE
Well, go on.
BRIGID
I needed him. I was completely dependent on him. He knew it. He took advantage of it to double-cross me.
SPADE
How?
BRIGID
I can't tell you that either.
SPADE
(CHUCKLES) Well, uh, why'd you want him shadowed?
BRIGID
I wanted to learn how far he'd gone, whom he was meeting.
SPADE
Did he kill Archer?
BRIGID
Yes, certainly.
SPADE
Well, Thursby had a Luger in his shoulder holster. Archer wasn't killed with a Luger.
BRIGID
Floyd always carried an extra revolver in his overcoat pocket.
SPADE
Why all the guns?
BRIGID
He lived by them. There was a story in Hong Kong that he had come there as a bodyguard for a gambler who had to leave the United States. The gambler disappeared and people said Floyd knew about his disappearing. I don't know. I do know that he was always heavily armed and that he never went to sleep without covering the floor with crumpled newspaper so that nobody could come silently into his room.
SPADE
You picked a nice playmate.
BRIGID
Only that sort could have helped me, if he had been loyal.
SPADE
Yes, IF! All right, let's have it now. How bad a spot are you in?
BRIGID
As bad as bad could be.
SPADE
Physical danger?
BRIGID
Yes. And I'm not heroic. I don't think there's anything worse than death.
SPADE
Oh, shut up. You mean someone might kill you?
BRIGID
(IMPLORING) Yes, and they'll get me unless you help. You've got to help, do you hear? You've got to!
SPADE
I said shut up. (PAUSE) All right, I'll help you. And they'll probably give it to me, too, huh? All right, so what? I guess I won't be the first guy who let a dame make a sucker out of him.
BRIGID
Mr. Spade! How dare you speak to me with that tone.
SPADE
Forget it! I never know what to do or say to women except that way.
MUSIC: FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN OUT
ACT 3: "HE SMELLS LIKE GARDENIAS"
SFX: DOOR OPENS
EFFIE
He's back again, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
Who, Effie?
EFFIE
The fella that was here this morning. Here's his card.
SPADE
(READS) Joel Cairo. (TO EFFIE) What is he, a character?
EFFIE
Mm hm. Foreign type. He smells like gardenia flowers.
SPADE
Gardenias, huh? Well, uh, show him in, Effie.
EFFIE
Right. (MOVING OFF) Will you come in, Mr. Cairo?
CAIRO
(FADES IN) You're very kind; thank you.
NARRATOR
Joel Cairo was a dark man of medium height. His hair was black, and smooth, and glossy. A square cut ruby gleamed against the deep green of his cravat. His black coat flared slightly over his hips. His trousers fitted his leg slightly more tightly than was currently the fashion. The uppers of his patent leather shoes were hidden by fawn spats. He held a black derby hat in a yellow chamois-gloved hand. His teeth were very white. He was foreign.
SPADE
Now, uh, sit down, uh, Mr. Cairo.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
CAIRO
Thank you.
SPADE
I'm Sam Spade. Something I can do for you, Mr. Cairo?
CAIRO
Yes, thank you, but first, may a stranger offer condolences for your partner's unfortunate death?
SPADE
Thank you.
CAIRO
And may I ask, Mr. Spade, if there, is a certain relationship between that unfortunate happening and the death later of the man Thursby? May I ask that?
SPADE
No.
CAIRO
I beg your pardon. (SHIFTING TONE, NOW BUSINESS) Mr. Spade, I'm trying to recover a . . . a . . . an ornament that has been, shall we say, mislaid. I thought and hoped you could assist me.
SPADE
Yeah?
CAIRO
The ornament is a statuette, a black figure of a bird.
SPADE
Yeah?
CAIRO
And I'm prepared to pay, on behalf of the figure's rightful owner, the sum of five thousand dollars for its recovery and, er, what is the phrase? Er, "No questions will be asked."
SPADE
Well, five thousand dollars is a lot of money.
SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR
SPADE
Come in.
SFX: DOOR OPENS
EFFIE
(OFF) Is there anything else for me, Mr. Spade?
SPADE
Oh, no. Uh, good night, Effie. And lock the door when you go, will you?
EFFIE
(OFF) Good night.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
SPADE
Yes, Mr. Cairo, five thousand dollars is a very . . . (SHARP) What do you think you're doing?
CAIRO
I am pointing a revolver at a spot directly between your eyes. You will please clasp your hands together at the back of your neck and do not move. I intend to search your office and, if you attempt to prevent me, I shall certainly shoot you.
SPADE
All right. Go ahead.
CAIRO
You will please stand; I shall make sure you are not armed.
SPADE
Certainly.
SFX: SCUFFLE
CAIRO
(GRUNTS IN PAIN)
SPADE
All right, Mr. Cairo, drop the gun, please. Drop it!
CAIRO
(GRUNTS)
SPADE
Drop it! Or do I twist your arm off at the elbow?
SFX: CAIRO STOPS STRUGGLING
CAIRO
You . . . Here. Take it.
SFX: GUN DROPS TO FLOOR
SPADE
Yeah. Thanks. Now sit down over there and behave yourself.
CAIRO
You . . . you have bruised me, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
Well, I'm sorry. I guess I got a little annoyed. I don't like guys who make a phony offer of five thousand dollars.
CAIRO
You are mistaken, Mr. Spade. That was and is a genuine offer.
SPADE
Yeah?
CAIRO
I am indeed prepared to pay five thousand dollars for the figure's return. You have the figure?
SPADE
No.
CAIRO
Then why did you risk serious injury to prevent my searching for it?
SPADE
Well, I should sit around and let people come in and stick me up? So the offer still goes, huh?
CAIRO
Most certainly.
SPADE
Well, all right. Now, let's put the cards on the table. Your first guess was that I had the bird. Now there's nothing to that. Now what's your second guess?
CAIRO
That you know where it is, or at least that you know it is where you can get it.
SPADE
Well, you're not hiring me to do any murders or burglaries for you but simply to get it back, if possible, in an honest, lawful way?
CAIRO
If possible. And, in any event, with discretion. I'm at the Hotel Belvedere when you wish to communicate with me. Good evening, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
So long. Oh, uh, wait, uh . . . You know a girl named Wonderly?
CAIRO
No, I do not.
SPADE
Well, how 'bout Brigid O'Shaughnessy?
CAIRO
The Hotel Coronet, Mr. Spade. Room one-oh-one.
SPADE
Okay.
CAIRO
Oh, by the way . . . may I have my revolver back please?
SPADE
Oh, yeah, sure, sure. I'd forgotten it. Here. Here you are.
CAIRO
Thank you. Now, you will please keep your hands behind your head! I still intend to search your office!
SPADE
Well, I'll be . . . (LAUGHS) All right, go ahead.
CAIRO
Thank you!
MUSIC: FOR A TRANSITION, THEN OUT
ACT 4: MEETING JOEL CAIRO
NARRATOR
After Cairo left, Spade started for Brigid O'Shaughnessy's hotel.
SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR . . . DOOR OPENS
BRIGID
(SURPRISED) Oh, Mr. Spade!
NARRATOR
The eagerness with which Miss O'Shaughnessy greeted Spade suggested she was not entirely certain of his visit.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
BRIGID
Do you have any news for me?
SPADE
Yeah, a little.
BRIGID
Did you manage it so that the police won't have to know about me?
SPADE
No, they won't . . . for a while, anyway.
BRIGID
(RELIEVED) Oh. Well, you won't get into any trouble, will you, Mr. Spade?
SPADE
Oh, I don't mind a reasonable amount of trouble.
BRIGID
Do sit down, please.
SPADE
Now, look, you aren't exactly the sort of person you pretend to be, are you?
BRIGID
I'm not sure I know what you mean.
SPADE
Oh, schoolgirl manner, stammering, blushing and all that. Because if you are, honey, we'll never get anyplace. Now stop acting.
BRIGID
All right, I'm sorry.
SPADE
Good. (ABRUPT) I saw Joel Cairo tonight.
BRIGID
(SURPRISED) You . . . you know him?
SPADE
Only slightly.
BRIGID
What did he say?
SPADE
About what?
BRIGID
About me.
SPADE
Nothing.
BRIGID
Well, what DID he talk about?
SPADE
Well, he offered me five thousand dollars for the black bird.
BRIGID
Oh, did he? And what did you say?
SPADE
Well, I said five thousand dollars is a lot of money.
BRIGID
It is. It's a lot more than I could ever offer you if I must bid for your loyalty.
SPADE
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's good. (CHUCKLES) Coming from you. Give me another day like this, I'll soon be knowing things that you don't know. (SUDDENLY SERIOUS) Now, you've got away with this and . . . that, but you can't keep it up forever. What have you given me besides two hundred dollars? Have you given me any of your confidence, any of the truth?
BRIGID
Can't you trust me a little longer?
SPADE
Well, how much is a little? What are you waiting for?
BRIGID
Well, I, I must talk to Joel Cairo.
SPADE
Well, you can see him tonight.
BRIGID
He can't come here. I can't let him know where I am. I'm afraid.
SPADE
He gave me your address. Well, we can meet at my place, then. What about it?
BRIGID
(All right. Your place.)
SPADE
Good.
BRIGID
But wait! You'll have to let me go about this in my own way. You mustn't interfere.
SPADE
Well, I'll just sit and listen while you talk over old times.
BRIGID
(CHUCKLES) You're a strange person. I like you.
SPADE
Yeah? Well, don't overdo it.
BRIGID
Oh, yes, right. Thank you.
NARRATOR
Later that night Spade welcomed Miss O'Shaughnessy to his apartment. He took her hat and coat, both gray kidskin. Spade telephoned the Hotel Belvedere, left his address and a request that Joel Cairo stop by for a visit. Cairo arrived shortly.
SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR . . . DOOR OPENS
SPADE
Hello Mr. Cairo. Come in. Sit down. You know Miss O'Shaughnessy I presume.
CAIRO
I might advise you, Mr. Spade. There is a boy outside who seems to be watching the house.
SPADE
Yes, I know. I spotted him.
BRIGID
(NERVOUS) What boy? Who is he?
SPADE
Oh, I don't know. A wanna be tough guy, I guess. He's been tailing me around town all evening.
BRIGID
Did he follow you to my apartment?
SPADE
No, I shook him before that. Well, uh, let's start the meeting.
CAIRO
I'm delighted to see you again, Miss O'Shaughnessy.
BRIGID
I was sure you would be, Joel.
SPADE
(MOVING OFF) Well, I'll mix a drink. Uh, just go ahead, Brigid.
BRIGID
Mr. Spade told me about your offer for the falcon. How soon can you have the money be ready?
SFX: GLASSES CLINKING
CAIRO
It is ready.
BRIGID
In cash?
CAIRO
Oh, yes.
BRIGID
You're ready to give us five thousand dollars if we turn over the falcon to you?
CAIRO
I should be able to give you the money at, say, half past ten in the morning.
BRIGID
But I haven't got the falcon.
CAIRO
What?
BRIGID
Oh, don't worry, I'll have it in another week at the most.
CAIRO
Why must I wait a week?
BRIGID
Well, perhaps not a whole week.
CAIRO
And why, if I may ask, are you willing to sell it to me at all?
BRIGID
I'm afraid. After what happened to Floyd, I'm afraid to touch it except to turn it over to somebody else right away.
CAIRO
Tell me, exactly what DID happen to Floyd?
BRIGID
He was murdered  . . .  by The Fat Man.
CAIRO
(INCREDULOUS, WORRIED) The Fat Man? Is he here?
BRIGID
I don't know. I suppose so. What difference does it make?
CAIRO
Might make a world of difference.
BRIGID
Yes. You might be able to get around The Fat Man, Joel, as you did that one in Istanbul. What was his name? The one you did away with?
CAIRO
It's a lie! You dirty, little . . .
SFX: STRUGGLE, BRIGID SCREAMS, CAIRO GRUNTS
SPADE
Get away from her! Get away, do ya hear?
SFX: SPADE SLAPS CAIRO
CAIRO
(GRUNTS IN PAIN)
SPADE
Now, cool down.
CAIRO
This . . . this is the second time you've put your hands on me, Mr. Spade!
SPADE
Well, try and make it the last. Now, you better get out, Cairo. I'll call you tomorrow.
CAIRO
You're working for her now, is that it?
SPADE
I'm working for myself. You want to withdraw your offer, just say so.
CAIRO
The offer still stands.
SPADE
Well, all right. Now, get out.
CAIRO
Very well. Good night, Mr. Spade.
SFX: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS
SPADE
Well, you've got some fine friends, Miss O'Shaughnessy. Do they always try to throttle you?
BRIGID
I suppose I ought to thank you.
SPADE
Well, you've had your talk with Cairo. Now you can talk to me.
BRIGID
Well, it didn't work out the way I hoped. I'll have to go now.
SPADE
Oh, no, no. Not until you've told me about it.
BRIGID
Am I a prisoner?
SPADE
Mm, maybe. Or maybe that kid outside hasn't gone home yet.
BRIGID
(WORRIED) Do you think he's still there?
SPADE
Mm, likely.
BRIGID
I'll stay . . . for a while anyhow.
SPADE
Okay. Now, uh, what's this bird, this falcon, that everybody's all steamed up about?
BRIGID
It's a black figure of a bird, a falcon, about a foot high.
SPADE
Well, what makes it so important?
BRIGID
I don't know. They wouldn't tell me. But they promised me five thousand dollars if I helped them get it from the man who had it.
SPADE
That was in Istanbul?
BRIGID
Yes.
SPADE
Well, go ahead.
BRIGID
That's all. They promised me the money to help them, and I did. Then we found out that Joel Cairo meant to desert us, taking the falcon with him and leaving Floyd and me nothing. So we did exactly that to Mr. Cairo. We took the bird and left him with nothing.
SPADE
Mm.
BRIGID
But then I wasn't any better off than before because Floyd hadn't any intention of keeping his promise to me about sharing equally. I learned that by the time we got here.
SPADE
What's the bird made of?
BRIGID
Porcelain or black stone. I don't know.
SPADE
You're a liar.
BRIGID
What?
SPADE
A liar.
BRIGID
Yes, I am. I've always been a liar.
SPADE
Well, don't brag about it. (BEAT) Is there any truth at all in that yarn?
BRIGID
Some. Not very much.
SPADE
All right. We've got all night before us. I'll put some coffee on and we'll try again.
BRIGID
Oh! Oh, I'm so tired. I'm so tired of lying and thinking up lies and not knowing what is a lie and what's the truth. Don't ask me. Please, don't. If there's any kindness in you at all . . .
NARRATOR
Spade never knows what to do or say to women except be straight ahead. Some might think of Spade as a man with stunted social skills. But Spade never let that bother him.
SPADE
What are you trying now? That's right, turn on the beauty. Let your eyes get nice and starry. Put your arms around my neck and look pleadingly at me. Now, you're great. You think it's going to get you anyplace?
BRIGID
Aw, it couldn't . . . with you.
SPADE
No? (BEAT) Well, don't be so sure.
MUSIC: FOR TRANSITION
ACT 5: THE FAT MAN
SFX: DOOR OPENS
NARRATOR
When he arrived at his office later that morning, the new sign had been painted on the glass: Sam Spade, Private Detective. Inside, Effie waited for Spade.
EFFIE
Well, you were with Miss Wonderly last night. How was she?
SPADE
What do you think of her?
EFFIE
I'm for her.
SPADE
She's got too many names. She says the right one is O'Shaughnessy.
EFFIE
I don't care if she's got more names than a phone book. That girl is all right, and you know it.
SPADE
I wonder. (CHANGING DIRECTION) Anyway, she's given me two hundred dollars and that's all right.
EFFIE
Now you listen to me Sam Spade! If that girl's in trouble and you let her down, or take advantage of it to bleed her, I'll never forgive you, never have any respect for you, as long as I live.
SPADE
Well, right. What else?
EFFIE
He was here twice, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
Who?
EFFIE
He wouldn't leave his name.
SPADE
No place I can reach him?
EFFIE
(He said something about the Hotel Berkeley.)
SPADE
Well, what did he look like, Effie? Can you describe him?
EFFIE
Well, that's easy enough. A big fellow. About two hundred and seventy pounds.
SPADE
Yeah? (REALIZES, THEN WITH EMPHASIS) The Fat Man!
MUSIC: FILLS A PAUSE, THEN IN BG
SFX: LOBBY CROWD BUZZES IN BG
NARRATOR
In the lobby of the Hotel Berkeley, Spade watched for The Fat Man. But he saw only the boy who had followed him for the last three days.
SPADE
All right, all right, son. Where is he?
WILMER
What?
SPADE
Come on. Where is he? You work for him, don't you?
WILMER
Who?
SPADE
Caspar Gutman. The Fat Man. I want to speak to him.
WILMER
What d'you think you're doin', jack . . . kiddin' me?
SPADE
I'll tell you when I am. You've been tailing around after me for three days and I'm getting a little sick of it. You can tell The Fat Man I said so.
WILMER
Shove off.
SPADE
You'll have to talk to me before you're through, sonny. So will he.
WILMER
I said shove off.
SPADE
And you can take your hand out of your pocket. Guns don't scare me much.
WILMER
Keep askin' for it and you're gonna get it . . . plenty.
SPADE
People lose their teeth talking like that. If you want to hang around, be polite. Now, how do I get in touch with The Fat Man.
WILMER
Room four-oh-seven. This afternoon at three. He's expecting you.
SFX: LOBBY AMBIENCE FADES OUT
NARRATOR
Spade walked around, killing time. He got his shoes shined. He went to John's Grill and ordered chops, a baked potato, and sliced tomatoes. He eat slowly. Thinking. Waiting to meet The Fat Man.
SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR . . . DOOR OPENS
GUTMAN
Ah, Mr. Spade! Delighted to see you, delighted. Please come in.
SPADE
How do you do, Mr. Gutman.
NARRATOR
Caspar Gutman, The Fat Man, was true to both his given and nickname. His great egg-shaped body was propelled efficiently by his short, stout legs. His eyes were like his hair, dark and sleek, peering out from the rolls of flesh surrounding them. He wore a black cutaway coat, an iridescent vest of many colors shiny and glittery like an opium dream, an Ascot tie with a pinkish pearl, gray-striped worsted trousers, and patent leather shoes. He was exuberant in voice and manners as he greeted Spade.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
GUTMAN
Sit down, my friend. We'll have a little drink.
SPADE
Well, I can't stay long. Sorry. I've got an appointment at the District Attorney's office.
GUTMAN
So? Interesting. Say when, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
I'll leave it to you.
GUTMAN
(LAUGHS) Excellent, excellent! I distrust a man who says "when." If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. (BEAT) You're a . . . close-mouthed man?
SPADE
No, I like to talk. I enjoy it.
GUTMAN
Better and better. I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things.
SPADE
Talking is something you can't do judiciously unless you keep in practice.
GUTMAN
Well, sir. We'll talk.
SPADE
That's swell. Will we talk about the black bird?
GUTMAN
You're the man for me, sir. No beating about the bush but right to the point. But, first, sir, answer me a question. Are you here as Miss O'Shaughnessy's representative or Mr. Cairo's?
SPADE
Well, there's nothing certain about it either way yet. It depends.
GUTMAN
But which will you represent? It will be one or the other.
SPADE
Not necessarily.
GUTMAN
Who else is there?
SPADE
Well, there's me.
GUTMAN
Ah! That's wonderful, sir, wonderful! I do like a man who tells you right off that he's looking out for himself. Don't we all? I don't trust a man that says he's not. And the man that's telling the truth when he says he's not I distrust most of all, because he's an ass that's going contrary to the laws of nature.
SPADE
Uh, let's talk about the black bird.
GUTMAN
Let's. Mr. Spade, have you any conception of how much money can be got for that black bird?
SPADE
No.
GUTMAN
Well, sir, if I told you half, you'd call me a liar.
SPADE
No. Not even if I thought so.
GUTMAN
(CHUCKLES) You, uh, know what the bird is, of course?
SPADE
No, I don't.
GUTMAN
You don't? They didn't tell you that?
SPADE
Well, I know what it's supposed to look like and I know the value in human life you people put on it.
GUTMAN
But Miss O'Shaughnessy didn't tell you what it is? And Cairo didn't either?
SPADE
(NEGATIVE) Mm mm.
GUTMAN
But they must know what it is. Or do they? What is your impression, sir?
SPADE
Well, there isn't much to go by. Cairo wouldn't talk. The girl said she didn't know but I took it for granted she was lying.
GUTMAN
Then they don't know. I am the only one in this whole wide wonderful world who does.
SPADE
Well, that's great. When you've told me, that'll make two of us.
GUTMAN
Mathematically correct, sir. But I don't know for certain that I'm going to tell you.
SPADE
Now, don't be foolish. You know what it is. I know where it is. That's why I'm here.
GUTMAN
Well, sir, where is it? (BEAT) There, you see? I must tell things, but you refuse. That is hardly equitable, sir. No, no, no, no. I don't think we can do business along these lines.
SPADE
You don't, huh? Well, think again, and think fast. I told that tough guy of yours that you'd have to talk to me before you finished. Now, I tell you that you'll do your talking today, or you're through! Now, what are you wasting my time for? I can get along without you! Now talk! Talk!
SFX: DOOR OPENS
WILMER
Anything wrong, boss?
GUTMAN
Come in, Wilmer.
SPADE
Oh, yeah. Yeah, come in, sonny. Keep your hat on and your hand off your gun or I'll knock your ears down.
WILMER
Listen, you!
GUTMAN
(CAUTIONS) Wilmer. (BEAT) Just stand over there, Wilmer. (CHUCKLES) Excitable young man, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
Well, make up your mind, Gutman. While you're doing it, keep that punk away from me. I'll kill him!
GUTMAN
Mr. Spade . . . (LAUGHS) . . . I must say you've a most violent temper.
SPADE
Well, think it over. You've got till five-thirty. Then you're either in or out, for keeps! I'm off to see the District Attorney.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
ACT 6: THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY
NARRATOR
The District Attorney was man who saw himself going places, all expenses paid by taxpayers. He was blond, medium stature, perhaps forty five with aggressive eyes behind black eyeglasses. He wore a Brooks Brothers suit with a club tie, black cap toed shoes. He started right in with Spade, as soon as he was seated in front of his attorney's desk, large enough to accommodate a landing airplane.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Now, look, Mr. Spade, I've got a murder on my hands. The boss is yelling for a conviction. We need your help. Now, who killed Floyd Thursby?
SPADE
I don't know.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Perhaps you don't but you could make an excellent guess.
SPADE
Well, my guess might be excellent or it might be crummy. Either way Mrs. Spade didn't raise any children dippy enough to make guesses in front of a District Attorney and a stenographer.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Mr. Spade, I wish you wouldn't regard this as a formal inquiry. And please don't think I have any belief in those theories the police seem to have formed. You see, they think you killed Thursby.
SPADE
Yeah? Well, what's your theory?
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Simple. Tell me who Archer was shadowing Thursby for and I'll tell you the murderer.
SPADE
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's where you're wrong.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Whether I'm wrong isn't for you to judge. I'm a sworn officer of the law, Mr. Spade. My duties . . .
SPADE
I thought this was an informal talk.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
It is. But I . . .
SPADE
Well, then listen. The police think I'm mixed up in those killings. Well, my best chance of clearing myself is to bring in the murderers all tied up. My only chance of ever tying them up is by keeping away from you and the cops because you'd only gum up the works.
DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Now, just a minute, Mr. Spade . . .
SPADE
I've got nothing to tell you or the police and I'm tired of being called things by every crackpot on the city payroll. If you want to see me, pinch me or subpoena me or something and I'll come down with my lawyer. (AS HE EXITS) See you at the inquest!
MUSIC: TRANSITION
ACT 7: THE HISTORY OF THE FALCON
SFX: TRAFFIC NOISE, FADE DOWN AND CONTINUE UNDER
WILMER
(AFTER A PAUSE) Hey. You.
SPADE
Well. Hiya, son. Didn't expect to see you until five-twenty-five. I hope I haven't kept you waiting.
WILMER
Keep on ridin' me and they'll be pickin' iron out of your liver.
SPADE
(CHUCKLES) The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter. I'm here to see Gutman.
WILMER
He's upstairs. Tell the operator to call him.
SFX: TELEPHONE PICKUP
GUTMAN
(FADES IN) Hello . . . Oh? . . . They're on their way up now? Thank you. (QUICKLY) Oh, hello, Operator? I don't want to receive any calls for about an hour . . . Yes, thank you.
SFX: TELEPHONE HANG UP
SFX: QUICK KNOCK AT DOOR
SFX: DOOR OPENS IMMEDIATELY
SPADE
Come on, get in, sonny.
GUTMAN
Mr. Spade?
SPADE
Here, Gutman. Here's your boy's six shooter.
GUTMAN
Well. Well, what's this?
SPADE
A crippled newsie took this away from him. I kept it. I was afraid he might hurt himself.
GUTMAN
(LAUGHS UNDER FOLLOWING)
WILMER
(ANGRY, HUMILIATED) I'll get you, Spade! Some day I'll let you have it right in the face . . .
SPADE
Aw, get out of here.
GUTMAN
Wait outside, Wilmer. (BEAT) By gad, Mr. Spade, you're a chap worth knowing.
SFX: DOOR SHUTS
GUTMAN
An amazing character. Oh, by the way, I owe you an apology . . .
SPADE
Never mind that. Never mind. Let's talk about the bird.
GUTMAN
All right, sir, let's. Mr. Spade, this is going to be the most astounding thing you ever heard.
SPADE
Yeah?
GUTMAN
What do you know, sir, about the Knights of Rhodes?
SPADE
Nothing.
GUTMAN
Well, they were Crusaders, Mr. Spade. In 1539, these crusading Knights persuaded the Emperor Charles V to give them the island of Malta.
SPADE
Yeah?
GUTMAN
He made but one condition. They were to pay him each year the tribute of a falcon in acknowledgment that Malta was still under Spain. Do you follow me?
SPADE
Yeah, so far.
GUTMAN
Good. Well, sir, the Knights were profoundly grateful to the Emperor for his generosity toward them.
SPADE
Mm hm.
GUTMAN
The very first year they sent him—not an insignificant live bird—but a glorious golden falcon, encrusted from head to foot with the finest jewels in their coffers. Well, sir! What do you think of that?
SPADE
I don't know.
NARRATOR
Inspired by Spade's lack of response, Gutman waxed academic about his subject. If Spade was not impressed, he had only to wait a moment. Gutman would fire his imagination with inspired storytelling.
GUTMAN
These are facts, sir, historical facts! They sent this jeweled bird to Charles who was then in Spain. But it never reached Spain. A famous buccaneer, Barbarrossa, know more familiarly as Redbeard, took the Knights' galley and the bird.
SPADE
Mm hm.
GUTMAN
In 1713 it turned up in Sicily. In 1840 it appeared in Paris.
SPADE
Oh.
GUTMAN
It had, by that time, acquired a coat of black enamel so that it looked like nothing more than a fairly interesting black statuette. Then in 1922 a Greek dealer named Charilaos Konstantinides found it in an obscure shop. No thickness of enamel could conceal value from his eyes.
SPADE
Yeah. Well, er, go on.
GUTMAN
Well, sir, to hold it safe Charilaos re-enameled the bird.
SPADE
I see.
GUTMAN
I got wind of his find. But when I arrived in Athens I discovered that the bird was gone . . . and Charilaos murdered. That was over twenty years ago. Well, sir, it took me twenty years to locate that bird, but I did. I traced it to the home of a Russian general, one Kemidov, living in exile in Constantinople. I sent some . . . agents to get it. Well, sir, they got it . . . and I haven't got it.
SPADE
Where's Kemidov now?
GUTMAN
(BLITHELY) Oh . . . Kemidov? He died.
SPADE
Very suddenly.
GUTMAN
Yes. His heart.
SPADE
Was there a knife in it or a bullet?
GUTMAN
And now, uh, before we start to talk prices, how soon are you willing to produce the falcon?
SPADE
Couple of days.
GUTMAN
Ah, that's quite satisfactory. Well, sir, let's drink to a fair bargain!
SFX: GLASSES CLINK
SPADE
Well, uh, what's your idea of a fair bargain?
GUTMAN
Twenty-five thousand dollars . . . when you deliver the falcon to me . . . and another twenty-five thousand later on. Or I'll give you one quarter of what I realize on the falcon. That would amount to a vastly greater sum.
SPADE
(GROGGY) Well, uh, how much greater?
GUTMAN
Who knows? Shall I say one hundred thousand? That would be the minimum.
SPADE
(INCREASINGLY GROGGY) Mm. And, uh, what, uh, what . . . what's the maximum?
GUTMAN
What would you say to . . . a quarter of a million?
SPADE
(EVEN MORE GROGGY) Well, then, you think the, er, the dingus is, uh, worth a million, hm?
GUTMAN
At least.
SPADE
(HAVING DIFFICULTY TALKING) That's . . . that's a lot of dough.
GUTMAN
A lot of dough.
SPADE
(SLURRING HIS SPEECH) Minimum, huh? And the, um, er, maximum? And the . . .?
GUTMAN
What's the matter, Mr. Spade? Are you feeling ill?
SPADE
(ALMOST INCOHERENT) I feel, uh . . . What was, er, what was in that, er, that drink?
GUTMAN
The drink? Oh, I drugged it.
SPADE
Yeah?
GUTMAN
You'll be unconscious very shortly, Mr. Spade. You'd better lie down. I wouldn't want you to fall.
SPADE
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's, heh, that's v-very good. Heh. That's very . . .
SFX: SPADE'S BODY FALLS
GUTMAN
Oh, dear, dear. (CALLS OUT) Oh, Joel?! Joel? Come in!
SFX: DOOR OPENS
CAIRO
Is he . . . unconscious?
GUTMAN
Yes. You know, he's a very interesting person, Joel. The kind of a man I enjoy dealing with.
MUSIC: TRANSITION
ACT 8: A DEAD MAN DELIVERS THE FALCON
NARRATOR
Spade woke up on the floor, a crumple of arms and legs right where he had fallen.
SPADE
(NARRATES) My first thoughts were about three characters and a black bird. My partner was dead and the cops were getting very uncooperative about the whole thing, including "who killed Floyd Thursby?" The name of Sam Spade was a cinch for the back page obituaries, but I came out of it somehow and managed to get up and stagger out of that apartment.
I went around to the hotel where Joel Cairo had a room and made a deal with the house dick to let me search it. All I could find was a newspaper in the wastebasket folded back to the steamship news. There was a list of arrivals and one was marked. It said, "Eight seven A. M. the La Paloma from Hong Kong." That was good enough for me. I got a cab and rode to the docks. The La Paloma was on fire and burning beautifully. I went back to my office to hold my aching head and think things over . . .
SFX: DOOR OPENS
EFFIE
Mr. Spade, what happened to you?
SPADE
I wouldn't know. I went visiting this afternoon and was greeted with knockout drops. I collapsed and came to just a little while ago, all spread out on a man's floor.
EFFIE
Who did it?
SPADE
The Fat Man.
EFFIE
But why?
SPADE
Didn't have a chance to ask. Evidently, he wanted to get me out of the way for something.
EFFIE
But I don't get it. You . . .
SFX: PHONE RINGS
SFX: PICKS UP PHONE
EFFIE
Hello?  . . . Yes? . . .  What?! I can't hear you.
SPADE
Who is it?
EFFIE
Give it to me again . . . Yes, I've got that . . . Captain who? . . . Jacoby? Yes, I . . .Hello? Hello? . . . She's gone.
SFX: HANGS UP PHONE
SPADE
Who's gone? Who?
EFFIE
It was the O'Shaughnessy woman! She wants you! Here's the address.
SFX: RIPS PAGE FROM NOTEPAD
SPADE
(READS) Twenty-six Ancho Street.
EFFIE
She's in some kind of trouble, Mr. Spade. She was telling me something about a captain. A ship captain named Jacoby. And then . . . and then something happened to her.
SPADE
What happened?
EFFIE
I don't know. Like . . . like she was being choked.
SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR
EFFIE
Yes? What do you . . .? (STARTLED) Oh!
CAPTAIN JACOBY
(WEAKLY) Mister . . . Spade?
SPADE
Who is it, Effie?
EFFIE
(TERRIFIED) It's . . . I don't know. It's . . .
JACOBY
(WEAKLY) Mister . . . Spade?
SPADE
Yes?
JACOBY
(WEAKLY) This package . . . for you. She told me . . . for you.
SPADE
(NARRATES) He was a tall guy in a long black overcoat, with a package in his hands, making gurgling noises, before he fell like a tree.
JACOBY
(WEAKLY) For . . . you. Uhhhh . . .
SFX: BODY FALLS TO FLOOR
EFFIE
Mr. Spade! Mr. Spade, he . . .!
SPADE
Shut up. Close the door.
EFFIE
Yes.
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
NARRATOR
Spade took a good look at the dead man on his office floor. He was Captain Jacoby off the La Paloma..
EFFIE
Is he . . .? Is he dead?
SPADE
Got about four slugs in him, that's all.
EFFIE
Ohhhh.
SPADE
Come on, pull yourself together.
EFFIE
I'm all right.
SPADE
Uh, give me the scissors from the desk, will ya? I want to see what's in this package.
EFFIE
Here.
SFX: CUTS AND UNWRAPS PAPER FROM PACKAGE DURING FOLLOWING
EFFIE
What is it?
NARRATOR
Spade unwrapped the package Captain Jacoby had carried and there it was. The black bird.
SPADE
We've got it, angel. We've got it! The Maltese Falcon.
EFFIE
The falcon?
SPADE
Look at it. The black bird. A million bucks under a coat of enamel.
EFFIE
She said there was a . . . That's what she tried to tell us.
SPADE
Now, listen, I've got to get to her. Soon as I've gone, phone the police. Tell 'em how it happened but forget he brought a bundle. Here, get it straight now.
EFFIE
Yes.
SPADE
I'll leave the bird in the safe. When I call you, bring it to that Ancho Street address. Got it?
EFFIE
Yeah.
SPADE
And after you bring it to me, go out and call Dundy. Tell him to come on the run with about six cops. No mistakes, Effie, I may need 'em!
MUSIC: A FAST AND FURIOUS BRIDGE, IN AND OUT
ACT 9: THE FALL GUY
NARRATOR
Spade took a cab to Ancho Street, the address Brigid O'Shaughnessy had given. The house was the second from the corner, a white stucco, one-story bungalow. A "For Sale or Rent" sign hung on a post out front. Judging by the neglected yard, now full of weeds, the house had been available for months. Spade stepped on the front porch and tried the front door, amused that it opened to his first touch. Inside, he searched each room, looking for Brigid O'Shaughnessy. He found her shivering in the dark corner of the back bedroom. He carried her to the living room, put her on the couch, switched on the lights . . . and found a surprise party waiting to greet him.
GUTMAN
Just keep your hands up, Mr. Spade, and sit down . . . Wilmer, shut the door.
SFX: DOOR SHUTS
GUTMAN
Well, sir, we're all here . . . waiting for you. And now, let's sit down, Mr. Spade, and be comfortable.
SPADE
Sure.
BRIGID
Sam, I tried to call you, I wanted to tell you . . .
SPADE
Oh, it's all right, honey. Take it easy.
BRIGID
But they've been holding me here all last night and today.
GUTMAN
But you've come to no harm, Miss O'Shaughnessy. As yet. Oh, Mr. Spade, I believe you know Mr. Cairo.
SPADE
Yeah.
CAIRO
How do you do?
GUTMAN
(CHUCKLES) And, uh, Wilmer, of course.
WILMER
You carryin' a rod? Lemme see.
SPADE
Ah, get away. You're not going to frisk me.
WILMER
Stand still!
SPADE
Put your paw on me and I'm gonna make you use that gun. Ask your boss if he wants me shot up before we talk.
GUTMAN
Sit down, Wilmer. (CHUCKLES) Mr. Spade, you're certainly a most headstrong individual. Well, er, let's talk.
SPADE
Yeah. Are you ready to make the first payment and take the falcon off my hands?
GUTMAN
You're sure you have it?
BRIGID
Sam! Have you?
SPADE
I didn't this afternoon but I have now. Put the pot on, will you angel. I don't like to leave our guests.
GUTMAN
Then I am willing to pay. Joel? The money, please.
SPADE
Er, wait. Er, there's another thing to be taken care of first. We've got to have a fall guy.
GUTMAN
I beg your pardon?
SPADE
Well, the police have got to have somebody they can stick for those three murders.
GUTMAN
Two. Only two murders, Mr. Spade. Thursby undoubtedly killed your partner.
SPADE
All right, two. The point is I've got to come through with somebody, a perpetrator, when the time comes. If I don't, I'll be it.
GUTMAN
And whom do you recommend as this victim?
SPADE
Oh, well, I'm not fussy. How about giving them Wilmer here? He'll do.
WILMER
Why, you . . .!
GUTMAN
(LAUGHS)
SPADE
Get away, punk. Look Gutman, if you kill me how you going to get the bird? And if I know you can't afford to kill me, how you going to scare me into giving it to you?
GUTMAN
Well, sir, there are other means of persuasion besides killing and threatening to kill.
SPADE
Yes, that's . . . that's true. But, there're none of them any good unless the threat of death is behind them. You see what I mean? If you start something, I'll make it a matter of your having to kill me or call it off.
GUTMAN
That's an attitude, sir, that calls for the most delicate judgment on both sides. Because, as you know, sir, in the heat of action men are likely to forget where their best interests lie and let their emotions carry them away.
SPADE
Then the trick from my angle is to make my play strong enough to tie you up, but not to make you mad enough to bump me off against your better judgment.
GUTMAN
(LAUGHS) By gad, Mr. Spade, you are a character!
SPADE
Well, it's our best bet. If we turn him over, the cops'll be happy. We'll be free as the air.
GUTMAN
Well, what do you think of this, Wilmer? Mighty funny, mm?
WILMER
(SARCASTICALLY) Yeah. Mighty funny. Big laugh.
SPADE
Well, anyway, he killed Thursby, didn't he? He's made to order for the part.
WILMER
Get up on your feet!
SPADE
Go 'way, punk.
WILMER
I've taken all the ridin' from you I'm gonna take! Get up and shoot it out!
GUTMAN
Calm yourself, Wilmer. Mr. Spade, your plan is not at all practical. Let's not say anything more about it.
SPADE
Well, all right. I've got another suggestion. Want to hear it?
GUTMAN
Most assuredly.
SPADE
Well, give them Joel Cairo.
CAIRO
You always have a smooth answer, don't you.
SPADE
What do you want me to do? Learn to stutter?
CAIRO
Suppose we give them you, Mr. Spade, or Miss O'Shaughnessy? How 'bout that?
SPADE
Well, if you think she can be rigged for the part I'm perfectly willing to discuss it with you. But look, you people want the falcon. I've got it and the fall guy's part of the price.
BRIGID
Sam!
SPADE
What's the matter?
BRIGID
You don't mean it! You couldn't!
SPADE
No, because I don't think the cops will be happy, angel. Well, personally, I see only one guy who's really right. And that's Wilmer.
WILMER
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
SPADE
Sit down punk! Maybe you'll make more of an impression. You standing there in your cheap suit isn't working.
GUTMAN
Stop it! Stop it, do you hear?!
WILMER
I told him to lay off me! I warned him!
SFX: SPADE SMACKS WILMER ... WILMER FALLS TO FLOOR
SPADE
I hated to do that but the punk had it coming to him . . . There's your fall guy, Mr. Gutman. What do you say?
GUTMAN
I don't like it, sir. I feel towards Wilmer exactly as if he were my own son. I really do. But if I even for a moment thought of doing what you propose, what in the world do you think would keep Wilmer from telling the police every last detail about the falcon and all of us?
SPADE
(GROWLING) When you're slapped you'll take it and like it. So, either you'll say yes right now or I'll turn the falcon and the whole lot of you in.
GUTMAN
(SLOW, RELUCTANT) Mmmmm. All right. You can have Wilmer . . . (DECISIVE) Carry him inside, Joel.
WILMER
Mr. Gutman, boss, please . . .!
GUTMAN
Wilmer, I'm sorry indeed to lose you, and I want you to know that I couldn't be any fonder of you if you were my own son. But . . . well, by Gad! . . . If you lose a son it's possible to get another . . . but there's only one Maltese falcon! Where is it, Mr. spade?
SPADE
My, er, secretary left an hour ago with the falcon. She ought to be here in a few minutes. What about the money, Gutman?
GUTMAN
In a few minutes. When she gets here.
SPADE
Good enough. Now, uh, let's get the details fixed. Now, why did Wilmer kill Thursby and why and where did he shoot Captain Jacoby?
GUTMAN
Well . . . I shall be candid with you, sir. Thursby was Miss O'Shaughnessy's ally. We believed that disposing of him would frighten Miss O'Shaughnessy into patching up her differences with us.
SPADE
Well, that sounds all right. Now, uh, Jacoby?
GUTMAN
Captain Jacoby's death was entirely Miss O'Shaughnessy's fault.
BRIGID
That's a lie!
SPADE
Well, tell me what happened.
GUTMAN
Cairo saw in the newspaper that Jacoby's ship was arriving. He remembered that Jacoby and Miss O'Shaughnessy had been seen together in Hong Kong. Well, sir, he put two and two together and guessed the truth. She had given the bird to Jacoby to bring here.
SPADE
Yes, and at that juncture you decided to slip me the mickey, huh?
GUTMAN
Well, I'm sorry. There was no place for you in our plans, Mr. Spade. Mr. Cairo and Wilmer and I went to the boat to call on Captain Jacoby and Miss O'Shaughnessy. We persuaded Miss O'Shaughnessy to come to terms, or so we thought. Well, sir, we should have known better. En route to my hotel, Captain Jacoby and the falcon slipped completely through our fingers. Except that Wilmer put a few bullets in him while he was running away. Oh, by the way, you said Jacoby died?
SPADE
Yes. But, er, not until after he brought me the falcon.
GUTMAN
Ah! Well, there's a bright side to everything, isn't there?
SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR
SPADE
I'll get it. It's my secretary.
GUTMAN
You won't mind if I go to the door with you?
SPADE
All right. Come on.
SFX: DOOR OPENS
EFFIE
Mr. Spade?
SPADE
Well. Uh, thanks a lot, Effie.
EFFIE
I . . . I wrapped it up again. Is there anything else?
SPADE
No, thanks. Er, bye, Effie.
EFFIE
Goodbye, Mr. Spade.
SFX: DOOR SHUTS
GUTMAN
Let me have it, Mr. Spade!
SPADE
Now, easy, easy.
GUTMAN
Let me see it quickly.
SPADE
Here. I guess the pleasure ought to be yours Mr. Gutman.
GUTMAN
After twenty years!
SFX: UNWRAPPING THE FALCON
GUTMAN
Twenty years!
SFX: UNWRAPPING STOPS
GUTMAN
Yes! There it is! There you are, beauty.
CAIRO
Is it . . . is it the falcon? The original?
GUTMAN
We will make sure. Your knife, Joel.
CAIRO
Here.
GUTMAN
Thank you. Just a tiny cut in the enamel. And underneath we find . . . (HARSH EXCLAMATION)
CAIRO
Gutman! What's the matter?
GUTMAN
It's a fake! It's lead! It's a fake!
BRIGID
But it can't be!
SPADE
All right, O'Shaughnessy, you've had your little joke. Now, tell us about it.
BRIGID
But no, Sam! No! That's the one I got from Kemidov. I swear!
CAIRO
You bungled it, Gutman! You and your stupid attempt to buy it. Kemidov found out how valuable it was. No wonder we had such an easy time stealing it. You . . . you imbecile! You bloated idiot! You stupid fat-head you! He put a fake in its place.
GUTMAN
(SAVAGELY) Yes, that is Kemidov's hand. There's no doubt of it. (BRIGHTLY) Well, Joel?! What do you suggest? Shall we stand here and shed tears and call each other names? Or shall we go to Istanbul?
CAIRO
Istanbul? You . . . you are still going to look for the falcon?
GUTMAN
For twenty years I have wanted that little item, and have been trying to get it. I'll go on trying.
CAIRO
Very well. I'll . . . I'll go with you!
GUTMAN
Get Wilmer! We'll start tomorrow.
CAIRO
Yes. Tomorrow.
SFX: DOOR OPENS
CAIRO
Wilmer, we . . . Why, he's gone!
GUTMAN
What?
CAIRO
The window's open! He's gone!
SPADE
Ah. Swell lot of thieves.
GUTMAN
We have little enough to boast about, sir. That is true. But the world hasn't come to an end just because we've run into a little setback. I'm sorry about your money, Mr. Spade, but of course you didn't earn it.
SPADE
Well, I held up my end. You got your falcon. Your hard luck, not mine, that it wasn't what you wanted.
GUTMAN
My hat, Joel.
SPADE
Now, wait a minute! Wait a . . .!
GUTMAN
Mr. Spade, it will do no good to argue. I haven't the money with me anyhow.
SPADE
Well, I had an idea that was it.
GUTMAN
Now, sir, we'll say goodbye to you. And since the shortest farewells are the best: Adieu. And to you, Miss O'Shaughnessy, I leave the lead falcon as a little memento. Adieu.
SFX: DOOR SHUTS
MUSIC: TRANSITION
ACT 10: THE RECKONING
NARRATOR
With everyone gone, it was just Spade and Brigid O'Shaughnessy, alone in the vacant house. Time for a reckoning.
BRIGID
Sam? Sam? What are you going to do?
SPADE
Nothing.
BRIGID
But those murders. You're mixed up in them. You said yourself the police needed a victim. Call them now. Tell them about Gutman.
SPADE
I don't have to call them. Gutman will be nailed before he goes a block. But when he's nailed, he'll talk . . . about you. Now, we're sitting on dynamite and we've only got a couple of minutes to get all set for the cops. Now give me all of it fast! Talk!
BRIGID
Where shall I begin?
SPADE
Well, the day you first came to my office, why did you want Thursby shadowed?
BRIGID
I told you, Sam. I suspected him of betraying me and I wanted to find out.
SPADE
Now, that's a lie! You had Thursby hooked and you knew it! You wanted to get him out of the way before Jacoby came with the bird. Isn't that so?
BRIGID
Yes.
SPADE
What was your scheme?
BRIGID
Well, I thought that if he saw someone following him, he might be frightened into going away.
SPADE
Well, then you must have told Thursby that Archer was following him.
BRIGID
Yes, I told him. But please believe me, Sam. I wouldn't have told him if I thought Thursby would kill him.
SPADE
Well, if you thought he wouldn't kill Archer, you were right, angel.
BRIGID
He didn't?
SPADE
No! Archer'd been a cop too long to be caught like that up a blind alley with his gun tucked away on his hip and his overcoat buttoned. But he would have gone up there with you, angel. He was just dumb enough for that.
BRIGID
Sam!
SPADE
And then you could have stood as close to him as you liked in the dark and put a hole through him with a gun you'd gotten from Thursby that night.
BRIGID
Don't . . . don't talk to me like that, Sam! You know I didn't!
SPADE
Oh, shut up! This isn't the spot for the schoolgirl act! Why did you shoot him?
BRIGID
Oh, I didn't mean to at first. I didn't, really. But . . . but when I saw that Thursby couldn't be frightened, I . . . Oh, Sam, darling . . .
SPADE
Go on, go on. When you found that Thursby didn't mean to tackle Archer, you borrowed the gun and did it yourself, right?
BRIGID
Yes.
SPADE
You didn't know then that Gutman was here hunting for you until you heard Thursby had been shot, and then you knew you needed another protector, so you came back to me.
BRIGID
Yes. But . . . but, Sam, it wasn't only that. I would have come back to you sooner or later.
SPADE
Don't give me that. The pair of us are sitting under the gallows.
BRIGID
From the very first minute I saw you, I knew that I . . .
SPADE
Oh, you angel. I hope they don't hang you, precious, by that sweet neck.
BRIGID
What?! Oh, no. You're not going to . . .
SPADE
Yes, angel, I'm going to send you over. The chances are you'll get off with life. If you get a good break, you'll be out of San Quentin in twenty years. You can come back to me then. If they hang you I'll always remember you.
BRIGID
Oh, no, don't, Sam. Don't say that.
SPADE
You're taking the fall, darling.
BRIGID
You're doing this to me? Don't you understand, Sam? I'm in love with you.
SPADE
(LAUGHS) That's the stuff that dreams are made of. I want to believe you. All of me wants to say the hell with the consequences and believe you. You counted on that from me just as you counted on that with the others. But I won't do that.
BRIGID
But you can't! You can't!
SPADE
Yes, I can. You killed a man, darling. Remember?
BRIGID
I haven't lived a good life, Sam. It's true. I've been bad, worse than you could know. But I'm not all bad. Look at me, Sam. You know I'm not all bad, don't you? You can see that, can't you? Then can't you trust me just a little?
SPADE
You know, that's good, because if you actually were as innocent as you pretend to be, we'd never get anywhere.
BRIGID
You know deep down in your heart, you know that in spite of anything I've done, I love you.
SPADE
I don't care who loves who. I'm not going to play the sucker. I won't walk in Thursby's, and I don't know how many others' footsteps! When a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you're supposed to do something about it. And it happens I'm in the detective business. Well, when one of my organization gets killed, it's bad business to let the killer get away with it. Bad all around, bad for every detective everywhere. You killed Miles and you're going over for it!
SFX: KNOCK AT DOOR
BRIGID
Sam!
SPADE
That's the cops.
BRIGID
Don't let them in! Please!
SPADE
(WALKS OFF) Sit tight, honey.
BRIGID
Sam!
SFX: DOOR OPENS
DUNDY
Hello, Spade.
SPADE
Come in. You get The Fat Man?
DUNDY
We got them. The kid, too.
SPADE
Oh, swell. Here's another one for you. She killed Miles.
DUNDY
Can you prove it?
SPADE
Can I, Miss O'Shaughnessy? Can I prove it? Go on, tell them.
BRIGID
Yes.
DUNDY
All right. Come on.
SPADE
So long, Miss O'Shaughnessy.
BRIGID
This . . . this doesn't mean anything to you, does it? Don't you love me Sam? And what about the money. I could have steered you into a lot of money!
SPADE
Well, a lot of money would have been at least one more item on the other side of the scales.
BRIGID
If you loved me you'd need nothing more on that side.
SPADE
Maybe. But I won't play the sap for you. You're going away. I'll have some rotten nights, but that'll pass.
MUSIC: UP FOR ENDING
EPILOGUE
SPADE
(NARRATES) So that's the story of The Maltese Falcon. Every bit of it true. I'm still a private eye, but working alone. No more partners. It's easier this way. I can pick and choose my clients, always knowing that I've got the gold bird hidden away safely. Someday, maybe when the case is even colder, I'll sell it, take the money and buy a small bar up in North Beach. I'll sit at one end, drink one for Miles, and talk to customers. One day another slick chick will walk in with an improbable story but she'll have to convince me that she knows what her story is all about and not just fiddling around, hoping it will all come out all right in the end. I don't mind a reasonable amount of trouble, but I'll have to be careful not to drink too much because if she's as innocent as she pretends to be, we'll never get anywhere, especially if she tries to buy my loyalty with money and nothing else.
MUSIC: UP AND SUSTAIN FOR A CLOSING, THEN DOWN AND OUT
ANNOUNCER
That's our performance tonight ladies and gentlemen. We hope you have enjoyed our re-imagination of The Maltese Falcon.
You were entertained tonight by . . .
Kellan Connolly = Lieutenant DUNDY and DISTRICT ATTORNEY
Jack McCracken = Tom POLHAUS and Caspar GUTMAN
Arianna Dorenbosh = EFFIE Perine
Bob Meek = Miles ARCHER and WILMER Cook
Greg Shilling = Joel CAIRO
Barbara Richardson = BRIGID O'Shaughnessy
Larry Taylor = Sam SPADE
Dean Lyon created live sound effects
Ahri Nicholas designed the lighting
Laine Keniston was our stage manager
Dan Wyatt, Jr. was technical producer
I am John Barber, producer and director of Re-Imagined Radio.
Re-Imagined Radio is a collaborative between Kiggins Theatre, Metropolitan Performing Arts, and the Creative Media & Digital Culture Program at Washington State University Vancouver. My colleagues and I are all volunteers, seeking to provide arts and entertainment for our community.
Thank you for joining us for an evening of storytelling. Please watch the Kiggins website, and our social media under #reimagined radio for news of our next performance.
Good night everyone, and thank you again for joining us tonight. This has been Re-Imagined Radio with our performance of The Maltese Falcon.